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Hey Dr. Trina!
Since my ex (5-6 years ago) I have had trouble letting go and having orgasms. Some background is that I used to have no trouble having orgasms on top riding a man, but then he said it has always been uncomfortable for him. This was two years into our relationship and I took it very personally. I have never been able to orgasm with oral sex but only started enjoying oral sex with my last boyfriend.

The long and short is that I can't orgasm with a man unless I use a vibrator. I have completely stopped masturbating naturally and actually since the summer I have hardly masturbated at all.

I would really like to enjoy myself again naturally AND I am enjoying a man right now that I'd really love to fully let go with. Any ideas you could give me would be greatly appreciated as it is time for me to let go and get back on track.

My reply:
The good news is all of your orgasming mechanics are working fine.

It is incredibly unfortunate that one person was able to shatter your self confidence. Especially when 99% plus of the population would find you being able to orgasm highly erotic and arousing.

That said, being able to trust someone enough to watch you let go and be fully self expressed during this very vulnerable time takes a lot of courage.

It makes sense that after two years with your last boyfriend you were trusting and comfortable enough with him and your relationship to start letting go.

So the best place to start with this new fellow is to have an open conversation about what is going on with you. Terrifying and yet it will create a trusting connection for you two to catapult from. Ask him how it feels for you to be on top and if there is any discomfort...and experiment with different positions of you on top (half the fun is trying).

The key is to keep the flow of communication open when you are working through something that is a big self-conscious button.

Because this is self esteem issue things will not turn around over night. The good news is you have a proven track record of orgasming with or without a vibrator, have made a conscious decision to work on this area of your life...AND YOU WILL SEE CHANGES. Just maybe not in your time frame.

Take comfort in your courage. You are a lot more brave than you give yourself credit for.

Addendum…three weeks later
Dr. Trina,
Good news! I had a huge breakthrough in my sexuality this past weekend through letting go and a past life transgression he walked me through. I set the intention, this past weekend, and accomplished my goal. With patience, with myself, and Justin being so awesome I had one (on top!!!) my last day there. I did share what was going on with me and he has been amazing.

I will say that my not being able to orgasm easily has completely taught me to appreciate the many other aspects of sex. So you CAN have fun and meaningful sex without orgasm also. :)

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