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My Husband has joined dating sites to talk t other women because he says he can't talk to me. when i found out he just switched it from his computer to his blackberry. but he tells me he is not cheating. Any advice as to what i should do?

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Comment by Geneva Black on December 15, 2010 at 6:17pm

Hi Cotina, I'm not a frequent poster, but I felt compelled to comment to you.


I know that I would feel very upset to learn that my husband feels he can't talk to me. I would feel much worse to hear that he has chosen to reach out to other women as a remedy, and that he is now hiding it from me after I asked about it.


My initial thought for you is for you to consider your reactions to him when he has attempted to have a conversation with you in the past. Are you supportive and a good listener or do you generally find fault or display negativity to him and his concerns, comments, or thoughts? I ask because usually if someone says they can't talk to you, it means they don't feel safe. I certainly don't think that he is making a good choice to help the marriage by seeking out other women though.

Have you told him that you feel hurt and confused? That's a good place to start. Also, ask him to help you understand what makes him feel like he can't talk with you. And listen; don't defend yourself. Think about what he says for a few days and really consider what you can do to help him be more comfortable with you.


And finally tell him that you want to improve the communication you have with him and it's important for you to work through this together. Tell him that his involvement with other women will only deterioate the marriage even more and that you don't want that to happen. Tell him that your marriage is important to you, that you love him, and ask that he close his online dating accounts and help you repair your communication issues.


I advise you seek assistance from any professional marriage therapy counseling, whether online or in person. This is a huge danger sign and it deserves more attention than my advice can give to you.




Comment by Geneva Black on December 15, 2010 at 6:38pm

Be sure to check out Michelle Weiner-Davis's blog post yesterday. I've been a fan of her advice for years.


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