Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

They say 25million couples are in a sexless marriage and research also shows that women are okay to be in a sexless marriage but the men feel differently.. they want to keep having sex!
So girls if you husband wanted to have more sex how would you recommend he chat with you about?

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I think it's something you should address directly with him. Just bring it up casually and ask him how he feels about it. I don't think he;ll approach you first. And the longer you don;t communicate your feelings the worse it will be in the end.
I've tried to talk to my wife about it and all she just shuts the conversation down by putting the blame on me (i.e. maybe if you helped out more around the house, I would be in the mood to talk about it) or just makes excuses like, I don't have time for this conversation right now. She clearly is avoiding the subject and there is a lot of emotion behind that but she won't open up. Not sure how to tackle this, where to take it from here. Suggestions anyone?
Find her love language. Make her feel loved.
Hi - Yes - it's sadly true that many marriages are sexless and yet it's an important aspect of connecting. So, the best way to start talking about the subject is to let your mate know that you really miss feeling more connected to him or her. Ladies - ask if there's a reason that this disconnect has happened, e.g. like is he feeling under stress? Men -- do know that the research indicates that women are more likely to warm up to the idea of sex if they feel they have a partner. That means helping around the house with the chores. Also be aware that women can't just jump into bed but need to feel loved before entering the bedroom. Lastly, it's been shown that individuals have different styles of expressing love, e.g. by verbalizations, by actions, by physicality. Get to know your mate's style and express your love in that way. Once your partner feels loved, he or she is much more likely to want to reciprocate.

Hope some of these ideas help!

Dr. Karen
Dr. Karen, This is so true. Last week, I was in a situation where I was going to have to be 3-4 places at once.
On top of owning a business, I have to run children around all over town. My Husband was numb to the problem and was unwilling to help that morning. So, I would have to leave work again and play minivan mom. This is very frustrating to me because I am always the one doing this. We both own our own business's but it is not o.k for him to leave work. I guess he thought about this during the day and he called at 2:30 and said he was on his way to help me with the rest of the day. I appreciated that so much. I couldn't wait to get in bed with him that night. The problem is, he only does things like that once in a blue moon. Maybe he would get more sex if he just understood I need more help!
I wrote my book, Till Sex Do Us Part, (out January 2009) specifically for women in this situation.

In a nut shell, the way we are socialized to have sex works when we are single. However, once we enter a long term relationship this single-sex formula becomes less and less appealing--especially for women.

This isn't the guy's fault--but there really is very little in the sexual experience for a woman to get excited about. Yes, that means even if she has one or multiple orgasms.

Long term relationships need to create a different type of sexual experience.

It starts with the woman knowing what she wants to have happen during the sexual interaction (most don't know what they want); her understanding and using her body for sexual pleasure (most women numb themselves from their necks down and live inside their heads); and be a lot more proactive in the before, during and after sexual experience.

Until this can happen, most women will not enjoy their married sex.

Dr. Trina Read
Why do you say single-sex is different than married sex - how is it different? What do you mean, how we are socialized to have sex when we are single?

I agree that it very much helps to feel you have a partner, someone who is facing challenges and helping you with daily life as well. It also helps if we have some time emotionally connecting - not just sit and watch TV together, go to bed and he wants to get busy. Talking, emotionally connecting are much more likely to make me want to have sex, anyway. Most days; some days I'm just wanting an orgasm. But if I don't feel loving of and loved by my husband, I can give myself an orgasm with a lot less effort.

But I do feel that men have a legitimate expectation to have sex in a marriage. If my husband up and decided he just wasn't going to have sex with me anymore, that would be a big problem. I would feel rejected and hurt and angry and misled, not to mention wondering why he didn't want it - getting it somewhere else? I'm not attractive to him anymore? what? So I can see why yeah, guys might be a little upset about it - they didn't want a roommate, they wanted a wife!
To answer your questions: "Why do you say single-sex is different than married sex - how is it different? What do you mean, how we are socialized to have sex when we are single?"

(1) Your sexual socialization is how you learned to have sex. For most women, we learn about sex through Harlequin romances, Cosmopolitan or our girlfriends. Men generally learn about sex during locker room chat and watching porn. Most people only have a small window of opportunity (3 or 4 years) where they are allowed to figure out how sex works--kissing, fondling, intercourse.

(2) Single sex is the limited sexual repritoire that occurs when people have sex with a new partner (all covered in my book). What happens during the sexual experience quickly goes from a habit, to a routine then into a ruts--and makes for boring sex really quickly once the honeymoon stage of relationship is over.

As well, single sex has a lot of women no longer desiring sex because it has little to intimacy or space for being nurtured during the sexual experience.

Hope that helps.

Dr. Trina E. Read
Yes, thanks. I presume the book has ideas on how to avoid ruts?
That's why God's design of sexual relationships is between a man and a woman in a marriage relationship. Single sex says, "how can I please myself?" (no intimacy, no connection), while sex inside the commitment of marriage says, "how can I please my spouse?" (intimacy and connection on many levels).

Sadly, the way we learn about sex is from "Sex and the City" and "Desperate Housewives".

You think God doesn't say anything about sexual, romantic love? Try reading the Song of Solomon sometime.
The statement you made seems to be a judgement that if you are not christian you will never have a good marriage.
I am not a christian and frankly your post and advertising for your marriage counsling is a turn off.

I come hear to listen to others sharing my problems not to be preached at.
the orginal post is just an advertisment to sell.
go ahead and feel sorry for me, at least i am facing reality and not trying to pray my problems away.


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