Our responses to sex and our own sexuality can be as complicated as they are mysterious. The truth is, we don’t learn about sex in one fell swoop. Our attitudes, behaviours and responses to sex are often a hodge-podge of multiple influences over time. The traditional socialisation of women as the more genteel and nurturing of the sexes, has meant that many women end up feeling very conflicted about their own sexuality. The media is very good at portraying the sexually liberated woman as one who is aggressive, seductive, in-charge of her own sexuality and virtually willing to claim what she needs in order to have her sexual needs fulfilled. So can the good-girl be “bad” without really being bad? What happens as a result of this anomaly?
Many women, unable to reconcile this female “tigress” with the kinder-gentler-nurturer, feel an overpowering need to adopt a new sexual personna in their heads, in order to feel sexually gratified. This is especially true of women who are mothers or for those who have been raised in conservative environments. But all women, regardless of what they have inculcated about sex, being the natural, sexual, creatures that they are, long for great toe-curling sex. They do so want to swing from the chandeliers in absolute ecstasy and many are willing to surrender who they “normally” are, in order for this to happen; even if they experience some emotional conflict as a consequence.
Such women will therefore ask that their partners address them as "slut” or “bitch” or “whore” during sex, because that is the personna or alter-ego in them, who can orgasm and scream the house down; this is what their psyches have been trained to do in order that they may “let themselves go” sexually. One woman actually admitted that she needed to visualize herself as the "hot outside woman" in order to have a climax with her own husband! (Isn't this a disservice to her own self and all the other wives out there?) Much of this is however influenced by the reading of erotica or by the viewing of porn which by the way, studies confirm, is a growing trend among women!
In some women’s attempts to ensure that this “wild sexual animal”, does not conflict with the socially induced perceptions of what it may mean to be traditionally feminine, there is then an overpowering need to separate these “two” women. This explains why the” whore” fantasy is so popular with many women and becomes an arousal and orgasm-inducing prop. Some may argue that there is no harm in such a fantasy; our minds are made for imagination and we should just let ourselves gravitate towards whatever will bring sexual gratification. After all, why should a woman explore her sexuality as a good upright and moral citizen, who nonetheless deserves some good loving, when she can metamorphosize into something much “hotter” and in keeping with today’s media-driven sex-industry?
I beg to differ however. While there may be absolutely nothing wrong with using our imaginations in wholesome ways, I shouldn’t have to become an individual who on a normal day would conflict with my own value-system, just so that I could get off. This I believe is damaging psychologically and spiritually. If I am sexually whole, I should be able to enjoy great sex from a point that embraces my genuine personality and physical characteristics. So whether black, white, thin, fat, blonde, brunette or afro-kinky; whether school-teacher, waitress, priest or power-broker, I should know that I am beautiful and loved (if indeed I am loved) and deserve a great sex life, in the context of my relationship.
Yes; it is time that we women acknowledge that “bitches”, “whores” and “sluts” have no monopoly on “great sex”. In fact very often, their “fulfillment” may not last as long as their last orgasm. A relationship of deep commitment in marriage should provide the environment for the sexually well-adjusted woman, to explore her inner “tiger” without feeling that she has to give something up in the process.
We women are multifaceted and can be all of that and more!
Read more articles like this on Denise's blog where she sounds off on sex and sexuality:Red Red Apples