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Why is his vasectomy my responsibility?

As I limped ‘blue balled’ to read a book in bed, I said to my husband in frustration, “You know if you were fixed, we could be having sex right now.”

Equally as frustrated he replied, “What’s wrong with using a condom?”

“I’m ovulating today and I don’t want to take any chances. The condom could break.”

It all started a few minutes earlier when my husband nuzzled my neck and I got a warm tingly sensation. I’d been thinking about sex all that long, long day and as Murphy’s Law would have it, it was one of those oh-so-rare ‘spontaneous sex moments’ where both of us were in the sex zone.

I was willing, ready and waiting to pounce. Images of clothes being flung off, wild sex occurring filled my head—it had been so long since both of us had been in the zone I was practically drooling.

But alas as you’ve already read I was ovulating—the reason I was so juiced up on sex hormones—any sex drive was completely lost thinking about accidentally having another child. Plus I don’t want to subject my body to any more birth control.

The answer to our spontaneous sex woes is simple. A vasectomy. Such a minor thing to have in order for us to have a happy and healthy sex life. Or at least for me it is such a simple and minor thing.

It’s been a year that my husband has dodged the ‘you need to get a vasectomy’ bullet. He’s given some valid and some pretty lame excuses as to why he can’t have one. I’ve patiently listened to them all, trying to be empathetic.

Men get all weirded out when it comes to messing with the ‘boys’. That’s why I’ve been patiently persistent in using condoms. Hoping that too many moments of, “Oh we’re in the shower and you want sex. Okay. BUT you need to get a condom. Off you go.” would wear him down.

Nope. Apparently he’s happy to use condoms for the next fifty years of our marriage. I’m growing tired of them and, like the spontaneous horny day, it’s getting in the way of my sexual happiness.

So I’m booking the appointment. But that leads me to my point. Why is birth control up to me and why do I have to be the ‘nagging wife’ to get this done. It just doesn’t seem fair.

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Comment by diveman on September 15, 2011 at 7:50pm

"The answer to our spontaneous sex woes is simple. A vasectomy. Such a minor thing to have in order for us to have a happy and healthy sex life. Or at least for me it is such a simple and minor thing."

First off, I have never had a condom break, ever.  In the past 23 years it has never happened to me.  It could happen, but the odds are in your favor.  Even if it did you could have spermicidal foam handy and take care of the problem with little to no worries.  There are other options other than intercourse if you are truly worried about breakage.  My wife and I had used condoms for just over the past 3 years right up to the first few months’ right after my vasectomy 10 months ago.  I too was quite content with condoms.  My wife never tried very hard to persuade me to get a vasectomy.  In-fact right up till the time that I got my vasectomy she told me not to do it.  She personally wanted to stop using condoms but never wanted to push me into doing something that I would later regret.  I wanted to do something for her since she can no longer take the pill (sever migraine issues).  I thought that since it was supposed to be a quick and simple procedure, in and out in 15 minutes, take it easy for a couple of days, life returns to normal in 2 weeks that I would do a  “kind and loving act” and get it done and over with.  Well that is not how it played out.  I have had chronic pain for the past 10 months.  Because of the vasectomy it aggravated my varicocele on my left testicle, which created another surgery.  After fixing that problem I was still in pain.  I am now working with a pain specialist for my "Post vasectomy pain syndrome" (PVPS).  I have had 2 nerve blockers done (injections of corticosteroids into the cut vas deferen) on my left side and I am still in pain.  I will have to go back to the pain specialist soon to see what the next step is to getting my life back.  I have been limited to lifting no more that a gallon of milk and not to exert myself at all. 

In hind sight I should have stayed with condoms.  Are they as fun as going "bare back", no.  Are they cumbersome and inconvenient, yes?  Does my wife like them, no?  But I would not have "broke something that did not need fixed".  The body was never meant to be modified like this.  The brochures all say how great your sex life will be after the procedure, glossing over the risks.  To top it all off, I don’t even care to have sex anymore.  My wife practically has to beg me for it and then I only really feel like it is my husbandly duty to perform for her.  This was not the result that I wanted after going through all that I have been through.  My performance has also has suffered.  I do not have the sensation that I use to and my orgasm is not at all gratifying.  I am not alone in this.  Depending on whose statistics you use, out of the 500,000 men that get a vasectomy each year:

  • 5% - 10% percent will have a complication. 
  • 1 in 100 will have long term problems, maybe life long.
  • 1 in 1000 will become permanently disabled, not only in the bedroom but in their ability to even function as a human being.

This may seem like a low “casualty” rate until you are the one that falls into the statistics.  If I had done my “due diligence” before hand, I would have never walked into an Urologist’s office, let alone had a vasectomy. 

So now what am I supposed to do.  I am only 41 and I am now a sexual cripple.  If I was 80 who would care (well, maybe I would).  I have another 40 + years to live with regret and frustration with a decision that I made. Both urologists that I have seen have told me that a reversal probably would not fix any of my pain and I might suffer further from another surgery.   So I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot. 

So do I think that the answer to your sex woes is a vasectomy? NO.  I personally think that the procedure should be outlawed.  I don’t think that this would ever pass

Comment by diveman on September 15, 2011 at 7:52pm



I don’t think that this would ever pass the “Geneva Convention” if we were to do this to prisoners of war.

So to all those out there that think that it just a simple procedure, the so called “Snip, Snip” I hope you do your research and educate yourself before doing this.  Find a doctor that will treat your testicles like he would treat his own. And think long and hard before “breaking something that does not need fixed”.

So to your statement that I quoted earlier, I don’t think that it is your responsibility for your husband’s vasectomy.  Don’t pressure him into something that he doesn’t want to do.  With all the new procedures that are now available for women that are less invasive than the traditional “tubes tide”, if I may be so forward, why don’t you make an appointment for the two of you  to go to an ob/gyn and see what can be done to remedy the sexual frustration in your relationship.  It can’t hurt to at least educate yourselves on all the options and then the two of you make the best decision for your relationship.  I don’t think it’s fair that you put the whole burden on your husband because you don’t want to use condoms anymore.


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