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Q & A--Dreaming about having sex with your ex

I'm the guest Sex Expert for the Canadian Glow magazine. From January to March I will answer four reader questions. Here's the first.

Glow Question:
“I dreamt that I cheated on my boyfriend with an ex and I feel awful! What does this mean?”

My Answer
It’s not just men having wet dreams—women have sex dreams too. Some dreams get so hot and heavy women can achieve orgasm…hopefully she remembers when she wakes up. Otherwise she’ll wake up feeling pleasant and won’t know why. Shame really.

This dream is probably your way of living out a fantasy—although you’ve probably never acknowledged this fantasy as you’re having a hard time reconciling it now.

The “having sex with someone else” fantasy (with your ex or whomever) is a fairly common fantasy—close your eyes and think of Brad Pitt when doing the nasty is a nice way to spend the evening. And hey why not? The idea of a secret liaison is a dangerous, living on the edge way to fill the gaps of an otherwise ordinary life. Nothing wrong with feeling extremely sexy and erotic.

So the best piece of advice I can give around guilt felt around any fantasy is: fantasy is not reality. Many people fantasize about crazy, wild sex that intellectually they understand will never happen (i.e. a threesome).

It doesn’t mean you cheated on your partner by fantasizing having sex with your ex. It simply means having sex with someone else is a turn on for you. If you actually went and had sex with your ex, that would make everything complicated. But it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.

It’s better not to tell your boyfriend about your fantasy. Although I never condone lying, some things are better left unsaid. However, if the guilt is eating away at you, clear the air and tell your boyfriend.


To listen to my biweekly podcast go to my website, Best Sex Tips Ever. To read an excerpt from my book go to my website Till Sex Do Us Part.

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Comment by Mrs. RAD888 on January 18, 2009 at 1:19pm
Having a dream about having sex with someone else is NOT the same as fantasizing about having sex with someone else. While I don't believe either is wrong, you have NO control over your dreaming, while you usually choose what to think about while having sex.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I still have dreams about being naked in grade school, and I'm in my 40's! Believe me--if we could control our dreams, I would control that one!

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