Instead of writing about the first time i had puppy love, i'm going to write about the first time i knew i was unconditionally in love at first sight. I never really knew how powerful an emotional love was until I had so much hate in me I couldn't see straight.
a better title for this would be:
An Ode to My Love Prophet
(the person who taught me love)
The first person I fell in love with was my son. Through my pregnancy of him, I hated men. My spirit had been broken and I asked the Lord if he would take this baby away from me, cause i was raised to Christian to commit abortion. By my sixth month I had yet to gain any weight and it barely looked like i was pregnant. I was so mad! To me, men were nothing but users and no good for nothing....so just the idea of having a male to be in my life and to be responsible for made me angrier at the species. I prayed every night for the unborn childs death or a miraculous change of gender. As i went to my six month dr's appt I was told that the child would die and if it just happened to live, it would be born blind, cripple, under developed - mentally and physically and was guaranteed not to make it to it's first birthday.
As cold as i was, I was overjoyed with this news and the dr asked if i wanted the option to abort the baby before it died so it would not cause any internal complications for me. I said yes almost a little too quickly, because he made me go home and think about it. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to dance, shout, and sing. I had gotten my wish, my prayers had been answered.
So i fell asleep that night so happy that the next day i would be free of this man and no more would i accept another one in my life - ever.
That night i dreamed i was at a funeral and my daughter kept asking me who was in this small coffin. I could almost pick it up because it was so small and when I touched the top of the coffin, it felt so cold despite the fact that it was wood. I don't know why, but I flung open the coffin and looked down and the largest brown eyes I had ever seen on a baby. they were empty. so empty and my heart felt like it had fallen out my body.
As i awoke from the dream throwing up violently, I knew then that he was dying for me. He loved me so much that he wanted me happy. I hadn’t taken his life with a weapon or a surgical tool, I had done it because of my own hatred. I knew then that he loved me before he even was born. An unconditional love that I didn’t deserve. I vowed that I would be the best mother in the world to him if the Lord would honor me with this blessing.
Three months later, my son ZechariahSeraphim (my prophet of powerful angels) was born. He came out with the largest brown eyes wide open and looking at me. I grabbed him literally from between my legs and held him so tight. He didn’t cry, he just stared at me as if he knew. He knew what I had done, but he still loved me. I knew then that I would die for him. Not because he was my son and I was his mother. I knew because he loved me so much. I finally understood unconditional love and I was so grateful to my son for showing me this and taking away the cold ugly heart of mine.
I fell in love instantly. I wanted to never let him go, but eventually they had to check him out, but I got him right back. I tried to hold him through the day despite the exhaustion, but finally I let him go to get some rest.
To this day, my son is my first love at first sight. Thank you Zech.