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I think that’s always been my fear and the only reason why I never get serious any more.

I mean I pride myself on memorizing books by the like of Gregory Godek http://www.1001waystoberomantic.com and Laura Corn http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/002-5224313-4224027 but I know when I do all this for my man will he return the romantic suggestion.

Now I know and understand once you do one romantic gesture you do it to express your appreciation for this person and you do it selflessly. Yet, the unwritten house rule is – per Gregory Godek – once someone does a romantic gesture you have one week to do so in kind. (Brothas don’t ever do that!)

How do you tell a brotha that you understand he pays the bills, he gives good love, he makes a great father, but I still need more?

How do you explain to a man whose gotta be hard on the streets, carry the world on his shoulders and have the strong mountain of a body and heart to hold me that I still want him to be more intimate with me?

It’s hard to form those words cause its like I’m asking for something he doesn’t know how to give or that I’m asking for too much or that to ask is gluttony.

Most black men couldn’t give a hoot about who the hell Gregory Godek is, but I do, because I want my man to treat me like Greg does his bride – who he has called that for over ten years.

Very few guys get it. And the ones that do get it only ten percent are willing to admit that they get it. The other ones don’t want to admit they get it because they feel it will make other men think they’re gay.

Get over it and get on the job of being a good black man. Don’t worry what other people think cause if you’re treating your woman right then you have nothing to worry about.

The saying is very true that behind every good man is a good woman, but in order for her to be that good woman, you have to be good to her.

So returning to the subject at hand. Keeping it fresh. How in a long-term relationship does one keep it fresh? I’ve always wondered about this and I get scared cause I get bored easily.

I remembered once Will Smith said that in order for two people to stay together, they have to grow and accept the others change. Each day is a new day for both of them and that in order to keep it together one has to fall in love each day with that person.

Now the idea of re-falling in love with my man every day excites me, but I need someone who wants to do the same thing. Who wants to work at making US happy? Who still wants to cock his feathers, show me good times, make me laugh, text me for no reason even years after getting me and knowing I’m gonna be with him.

As I look into my guy’s eyes each and every time wondering if I can do that – keep it fresh. He makes it so easy to just say I love you with everything he does, but I fear once I utter those words will it be the same? Will he grow lax? Will he unappreciated me and make me feel like tissue on his shoe? Will he hurt me and don’t care that he did? Will he make me happy?

I don’t expect a fairy tale. I really don’t.

The stuff that I write in my books are just my imagination. I understand there is no knight in shining armor coming to knock down the door and rescue me from my urban tower, but a woman in this day and age has got to dream sometime and hope that when she wakes up next to this man ten years later will she still just smile and thank her lucky stars that he allowed her to be in his life because he is honored to lay by her side?

I want that so that question bothers me a lot.

Do I really need to keep it fresh? Or is there another question I need to be asking myself or doing?

If I decide to get married (and that’s a big if) I want to know in my heart and mind that this time will be forever. I want it to be.

I didn’t hate that I had to leave my ex-husband. I hated that I failed. Despite the three-marriage counselors we saw and despite the fact that he was verbally and physically abusive, I still wanted to work it out because failing is and never was in my equations and it bothers me to this day to know that I failed at something that I promise myself I would really try at.

So if I choose another I want to give 110% and pray that he does the same, but how can I be sure?

I know you can never be sure and sometimes you just have to step out on faith with him to know that it will work. And yeah the Lawd’s gonna be there to help me with that decision, but for right now, I’m in limbo and stepping back into love is some scary shit.

Cause I’m a black woman. That means we love hard and fierce and we don’t like being hurt and we don’t like shyte and we don’t like to know that the love that you should have been honored and grateful that we gave was all for naught. We really hate that.

And I don’t want to waste my durn time anymore on your stupid drama!!

So I still ask myself: How can I keep it fresh? How can I capture this moment where I’m feeling like I can fly and keep our relationship like that without doing all the work myself and don’t say those horrible words to him five to ten years down the line, “You don’t treat me like you did when we first met!”

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Hitched Podcast

Episode 547: The Benefits and Downsides of Worry in Marriage

Worrying is a natural part of the human emotion and of relationships. Dr. Noelle Nelson explains how you can navigate these feelings and form a more secure relationship as a result.

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