“I adore my husband, but I don’t want to have sex with him. We used to have sex all the time. I was passionately attracted to him, but now the thought being intimate repels me. It is very stressful to be with him especially alone and at night because he always makes advances on me. I hate having to hurt him every time he wants me.
I think it started when I was pregnant with our first child. I gradually lost interest in sex, but I hoped it will come back to me after having our baby.
But it didn’t. Years went by and though I think our relationship is fine, I find myself running away from his attempts every time. Deep down inside I am afraid that my attraction to him is lost forever. I am always concerned that he will cheat on me because of this and the concept of leaving scares me to death. We have a good relationship, until he wants sex.
Is it worth it for me to give up everything that I have with my husband and maybe could have because of one (very important) thing? How can I save my marriage?”
I received this mail from one of my readers, let’s call her Ann, and I think she accurately describes one of the most common problems in marriage. Especially – Marriage after children. Can you identify with Ann’s story?
Can a Marriage Survive Without Sex?
You already know that sex is one of the most important things in marriage. If it’s been a long time since you (reluctantly) had sex with your husband, you probably forgot why; The intimacy that you share afterwards, the hugs and kisses, the lifted mood and jokes, the closeness and bonding that sex brings to a relationship.
And whether you like it or not (don’t shoot the messenger) – Men can’t go on for long without sex. Even if they can technique relieve their built up physical need by themselves, it’s not enough and it doesn’t replace a “real sexual intercourse” – With someone else. They will end up looking for it else where – It’s just a matter of time.
So Yes – Not having sex with your husband is a major divorce booster.
Do You Know The REAL Reason For Your Low Sex Drive?
It’s one thing if you secretly despise your husband. In this case it’s clear why you don’t want to be sexually intimate with him. But it’s another thing if your marriage is doing o.k. (I won’t say “great” or “amazing ’cause I haven’t heard about many amazing marriages) and you still consider sex as another chore you have to do – After the dishes, before the cooking.
Sure, low sex drive can be a result of many things: Menopause, libido reducing medication, pain during intercourse, decreased libido due to age, but…
The most common reason for losing interest in sex with him is a troubled relationship. Even if you think that everything is o.k., you have ups and downs like every one else – You probably sweeping some stuff under the rug. Or you don’t want to admit to yourself that something is really wrong, or missing. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to deal with it. And you hope the problem will solve itself.
But I Can Assure You – This Problem Won’t Solve Itself.
• Maybe he hasn’t been an equal partner in raising your children. Maybe this disappoints you day after day.
• Maybe you feel he is selfish, and doesn’t much care about your needs.
• Maybe you feel that sometimes he doesn’t “see you”.
• Maybe he cheated. Or has otherwise deeply hurt you in the past. You think you forgave him, but you didn’t.
• Maybe he was unfaithful or almost unfaithful and you can’t put it behind you.
• Maybe you are tired and exhausted and he doesn’t help as much as you think he can.
These feelings are all signs of a troubled marriage. It’s true that millions of women feel the way you do, but on you the affect is a non existent sex drive. It has made you emotionally and thereby sexually detached from him.
It’s normal; it’s the way women are built. Men can feel the same kind of frustration and still want to have sex every day. They are different.
How Can you Prevent Him From Cheating and How to Save Your Marriage?
There’s no running away from it, you need professional help. You can’t wait a minute longer if you want to salvage your relationship. You will motivate your husband to stay faithful and committed just by taking the first step and showing him that it is important to you as is it to him. That you haven’t given up on your love and your marriage, that you want to solve this.
These are your options:
1. Sex therapy – This is supposed to be an obvious option, but I don’t know how helpful a sex therapist is – for solving underlying marriage problems.
2. Marriage counseling – Look for a local marriage counselor that is highly recommended by other people. The disadvantage is the high cost and lack pf privacy. If you don’t want your local community to know about this – Maybe it’s not a good idea.
3. Online Marriage counseling – A better choice if you are on a tight budget and don’t one anyone to know. Online marriage counselors are just as professional and experienced, and online counseling has a few great benefits that you haven’t considered – You can find out about them – Right Here.
4. Marriage Saving Programs – This is counseling without counseling. I recommend the Marriage Sherpa program, just because I personally used it with great success in my marriage. It’s a complete step by step system to saving your marriage, created by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a well known family therapist with 30 years of experience in marriage counseling. The program delivers over 200 pages of practical tools, steps and methods that work, and also a companion workbook to help you understand what the real problems are, where they come from and how to fix them. It costs less than one session with a counselor and I think the 50% discount is still on – Right Here.
No matter what you choose to do – Just do it! Take the first step. Call a sex therapist, a marriage therapist; consider the marriage saving program, just sign up for a free newsletter – What Ever – Just do something, before it’s too late.
I wish the best marriage you can possibly have and remember – The power to change your marriage is on your hands. One step a day is all you need.