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How to Tell Your Spouse You’re Not Getting Enough of “It”

You love your guy. He’s a sweetie, mellow, easy-going. He holds down a steady job and does his fair share of the chores – well, most of the time anyway. He’s good with the kids, doesn’t get too ripped on “guys’ night out” and still remembers your anniversary with flowers. You know women who would kill to get such a guy, so what right do you have to complain?

You squirm. You sigh. You bite a cuticle. It’s just that . . . oh boy, how to say this? You want more in the bed department. Or different. Or something! But you don’t know how to talk about it.

Talk! See, that’s the problem. The two of you have never talked about “It.” How do you start now? And is it even OK to talk about “It”? Maybe you should leave well enough alone.

There goes another cuticle.

Leaving well enough alone rarely works. What “leave well enough alone” really means is “I’m unhappy but I’ll keep quiet about it.” The result is that your unhappiness gets pushed down deep inside where it slowly builds into resentment and now you are in big trouble. Because you will – whether you want to or not – take that resentment out on your spouse and things can get ugly fast.

Let’s get to it then, shall we? How to talk with your mate about “It”:

1. Not in bed. A cardinal rule: do not talk about “It” in bed unless it is to lavish compliments and praise about “It.” We are often at our most vulnerable when involved in intimacy. It’s not the time to complain or find fault.

Choose a time and place when you’re both relaxed, all is right with the world, and you’re doing something mildly distracting together, like taking a walk, a drive, or weeding the garden side-by-side.

2. Be general. Don’t hit him between the eyes with “I want more” or “That thing you do irritates me.” Bring the subject up in general terms: “I was reading something the other day on Hitchedmag.com/Cosmo/Time about fantasies and like that. The husbands were saying . . . (whatever is the general topic). What do you think about it?

Now you’re talking about men in general, with your one-and-only as the authority. The conversation is now open. Allow it to develop over time (as in days and weeks, patience ladies). As you both get more comfortable with the generalities, you will be willing to discuss your specifics. Which means listening to his, as well (oh, that).

3. Praise what you’ve got. The quickest way to get more of what you want, is to praise and appreciate what you’re already getting. Sincerely. Focus on what you genuinely adore about “It” with him, and let him know it – in the moment, later, whenever – with touch, with words, with little love noises.

Then all that’s left is to relax – and enjoy . . .

Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D., is a relationship expert, popular speaker in the U.S. and abroad, and author of nine best-selling books, including her most recent,Your Man is Wonderful and Dangerous Relationships. Dr. Nelson focuses on how we can all enjoy happy, fulfilling lives while accomplishing great things in love, at home and at work, as we appreciate ourselves, our world and all others. Visit www.yourmaniswonderful.com.

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