If that makes sense. I am on here because I've lost trust with my husband. Married for almost 19 years and I asked for a divorce this week. I'm old fashion with high morals and expected a better answer than this. After problems 3 yrs ago I separated from him for 9 months. He said he would change his ways and asked to come back home. I feel everybody deserves a second chance! 1 year later I find him trying to make out with my friend, holding her closely, feeling her up and down, etc. etc. He lied that it happened until I told him I saw him with my own eyes. He still denies it and says I'm making it into more than what it was and he doesn't remember 1/2 of it because he was drinking. Seriously, I'm sick of the I was drinking shit. If you can't hold your own and behave, stay away from the beer. He never apologized and doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I'm smart and intelligent so I thought until I realized how much it still bothers me and I can't believe I allowed him to make me feel bad about the whole ordeal. Now I'm afraid I won't be able to trust another man. I am hurting so bad. Words just can't explain my pain!!
I just read this disscussion u wrote up. I didnt realize how intense things were for u. Anyway for your writing there is no way he should even have the right to try and get you to stay in that type of relationship. I wish I lived out there right about noe. Even though I am a man I honestly think that its a good thing that u r doing and in the long run he is the one missing out. I admit I'm no saint and I might flirt at times but I would never do anything that stupid. If I did try and pursue a flirt I would do it her there. But then again I would have to know that my relationship is pretty close to ending. RESPEKT AND TRUST R 2 IMPORTANT THINGS BETWEEN A COUPLE. Keep your head held high Brandie
I apologize for the late response to you posting...
Your right Brandie, words can't explain the pain your feeling. In the same sense, nobody else can tell you how you feel or "should" feel either. You are smart and intelligent, so obviously you know how your feeling. The issues you are speaking of many people are dealing with, have dealt with, or will deal with and there is no simple answer. I'm not sure if you've read all my responses to the other postings but I am not a Doctor, nor am I in the field of marriage counseling, I didn't even graduate High School so I am not even educated enough to say so. I like to help people and I'm not giving advice, just my opinion and therefore you don't have to listen to a word that I've written. I do appreciate the fact you asked me to comment on your posting.
From what I'm seeing there are a few issues to discuss here. The main issue is the drinking. He can't blame nobody but himself for what he consumes, and what he consumes is his responsibility. That is why they post on billboards and in magazines "Drink Responsibly", nobody but you can make this choice for you. I know first hand what it's like to go overboard, I always made that choice and I always did it on purpose. I drank to remove the pain, which only caused more pain and in the end it took even more pain to get me to realize what I was doing. I still have a beer from time to time while I'm enjoying a good meal, but that's it. I did and do not go to AA, I just stopped when I finally realized what I was doing was hurting other people.
The next issue is the lies. There can never be any true communication between mates if one is telling lie after lie. Communication is one of the building blocks to which a relationship is built, whether it's a friendship or a marriage. In my opinion a marriage is the best friendship of all. A husband and wife should be able to tell each other everything, not just part of something when asked or when you feel like it....EVERYTHING all the time. This includes those things that you may think might hurt the other. Being open and honest sounds so easy, but it's not. Everybody's got something they don't tell their friends, but not their Best Friend. A person's Best Friend knows everything about the other person and this is what makes this type of relationship better than all the rest.
Starting a new relationship to the loss of trust in a marriage, trust takes time and lots of it. When starting a new relationship you give that new friend a certain amount of trust and as time goes by the trust builds. This also applies to marriages but the difference is that you are close friends (or at least you should be, otherwise why get married) by the time you get married so the trust is there.
I only have one last thing to say, and I say this with an open mind. Only through pain can a person grow and become a better person. To some this might sound disturbing, but I believe this with all my heart. Especially in today's society where the belief that there should be no problems, this is why there is so many troubled relationships to begin with. You show me a couple with no problems or arguments, I'll show you a relationship that's not going to work (I have been in one of these relationships and know first hand). Our views as a society might change from generation to generation but the arguments, the problems, and the pain is still there. Life isn't fair nor is it easy, and for some reason many people have come to the conclusion that it is. Most marriages can be resurrected (I did not say fixed, there is no fixing a relationship), but it takes time, pain, and effort from both spouses. I'm not saying that there are not some relationships that should not be discarded, but many of the marriages out there can be worked on without having to start over. You fell in love with this man for a reason, and you may feel that those reasons are not there any more but you have spent close to 19 years married to this man. You have given him time to realize what he has done in the past and it seems that he has not learned anything. Quoting Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living". He must learn from what he has done in the past and he's the only one that can do this. Truthfully I would sit him down and ask him to listen to what you have to say without saying anything. Then I would tell him everything you have said in your posting, he needs to know how your feeling and don't hold back on anything. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, I would suggest Marriage Counseling. Sometimes that third person can make such a difference, and for some it doesn't work at all. There are so many books, videos, and web pages on the topic of relationships and marriage. I've mentioned her in past posting but I love this woman's words, Dr Ellen Kreidman has a set wonderful programs that I feel everyone should be introduced to. "Light Your Fire", Light His Fire" and "Light Her Fire" are by far some of the best material I have ran across. You deserve a man that loves with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be with you. From what I'm seeing your a beautiful strong woman that wants to be happy with the man you love. Don't change the man you love, but help him be a better man and show him that he is capable of being that better man. The only thing is, he must want to be a better person in order to be a better person.
I hope some of this was helpful and I wish you the best.
Thank you Keith! A big part of me tells me that I can make this relationship work because there is so much he does to make me feel loved. There isn't anything he won't do for me. He wants to have sex with me every day 3 times, if I would let him, takes care of me when I'm sick, wants to meet me for lunch everyday at work, always wants to be with me and loves to go shopping, believe it or not. I think that is why I'm having a harder time with this because most people, I think that stray in their marriage a little or allot eventually lose interest in the other mate and hold back sex, gosh their are so many things they can do to make the other person feel not wanted or loved. I hate this!! His problem is we will go to town and he stares at pretty woman and while I'm ok that he looks or takes a glance, he will trip over his own damn feet trying to look with me right there. I take really good care of myself, I'm fit, a great mom, make as much money as him, awesome cook. Why can't he just be satisfied with me? I think he is just way too flirty and takes it too far. If this were just a phase, I'd say ok, its a phase he will get over it but it has been this way our entire marriage. The big question I finally asked myself was if I saw him behave this way with my friend while I was there and he had the chance of getting caught and he did what is he doing on his guy trips when I'm not there. I'm just not that stupid!
I'm glad that you feel that you can make your relationship work but it will take both of you to make it happen. Obviously he loves you and shows you with the little things that he does for you, and it's the little things that count. Sex doesn't fall in that category though. Sex is not a little thing, it is the one main things that both a man and a woman need, but for different reasons. A man needs sex to feel loved and a woman needs to feel loved in order to have sex. Sex makes both the man and the woman feel attractive, wanted, and needed, but without it (like you said) partners will tend to stray. Only to feel that connection and feeling of being needed which makes a person happy. Happiness is what we all strive for in all aspects of life, work and our relationships. If we are not happy we want to change the reason why we are not happy, but happiness is what you make of it.
I'm sure that he is more than satisfied with you but this is the way you feel and you should tell him that you feel this way. He looks at other women because he is a man, but in the same sense he should show you enough respect to focus on you, and only you when you are around. When you are not around, it's up to him whether or not he's going to look and anything beyond that is uncalled for and disrespectful even if you are not there. Talking to a woman is one thing, but flirting or more is another. I remember when I was doing the out of town thing awhile back. If I was talking to a woman and I had thoughts or a situation got started out of my control, the first and only thing that came to mind was my wife. Therefore I would make the situation controllable and removed myself from the situation. I've had plenty of offers and opportunities away from home but I could not even think about doing anything that might jeopardize my relationship with my wife or hurt my wife in this or any other manner. Maybe it's because I know what it's like to have a partner cheat on me and I would want my partner to ever feel this hurt in my life. I can only imagine what the guilt would feel like having done anything at all with anybody besides my mate. To me, it would seem unbearable to hold that much guilt inside without going crazy, but that's only a guess and I don't ever want to find out.
Are you on here for yourself or you just like to help other people? I don't know, this is really a hard choice for me because it has pushed me so far away because it's been going on for so long!!!! I guess the little Angel on my left side says you put 19 yrs in this marriage, how many people can say that these days so try to make it work but you have the little Demon on the other side that says pack up and get the hell out. I haven't kissed him in years and haven't told him I love him in 5 yrs. That has to tell you something. I'm 36 and he is the only man I've ever had in my life!! I lost my virginity to this man. I wouldn't even know how to start over with someone else. I don't know, I could go on for hours. I'm just so confused about my situation. I honestly don't think I want to be in it anymore. I think I'm only staying for the security of our money together, great insurance, paid off house but if you are as unhappy as I am right now, I just don't think I should let those things keep me here. I really need one of those Staples Easy Buttons right now. Everyone says I should take anxiety meds because they will help me with my emotions. I refuse to take anything. I'm really taking your advice to heart, because what I'm going through is so real and so complicated and I don't want to involve my friends or family so thank you so very much. :)
Every relationship has it's ups and downs, and it was during the last down in my relationship with my wife I found this site and never left. I'm always trying to improve myself as a husband, father and all around person. I like to help other people and this is why I started commenting on some of these postings. I'm glad you are taking my advice to heart, this makes me feel as if someone listening to what I have to say. I don't consider myself all that smart (I'm not even educated past the 10th grade), but I understand people and usually know what a persons going to do before a person does it. My marriage has been through quite a bit and I use my experiences from this and the books I have read to answer the questions I see on here. There are so many books on relationships out there, not to mention the videos, programs, and web pages I have ran across. I could probably name off a list longer than my arm on all the different references I have come in contact with. I am 32 myself and I feel that this is sometimes the reason most people denounce my information and/or my advise. I don't give advice unless asked for because I would rather listen and learn from what another might say. This might be the reason I prefer to talk with my peers and just soak in what they have to say. Quoting Solomon Ibn Gabriol, "The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others".
You said something that really struck my interest, you said "I haven't kissed him in years and haven't told him I love him in 5 yrs". These are things a person whether man or woman need every day especially with-in a marriage. You have also stated that you never hold back sex from him and this makes me wonder. You must want him to feel wanted and loved because he gets this from the sexual pleasures that you give him. At the same time emotionally, I must question whether or not you make him feel as if you need him around. Just the statement "I'm glad your here" can make a man feel so needed or should I say wanted. In the same sense, the three little words "I LOVE YOU" mean so much, but the feeling of a kiss is something that words can never say. Both the words and the kiss are what inspire so much poetry that has been published and not published.
As a woman, the fact that you lost your virginity to this man you are going to wonder what it's going to be like to be with another man. This is a normal feeling and not knowing how to start over with another is just a thought. Here's an idea and I have done this, start over with the one you love and have been with. I know this sounds silly or maybe even a little strange. Honestly it's not easy and most don't even know how to, but it's almost the same as starting a relationship with someone new. That is the reason it can be so difficult (especially if you feel that you wouldn't even know how to start over with someone else). Why start over with someone else when you can start over with the person that your with? I know it was a long time past but, remember when you first meet your husband? Can you remember the little things that both of you did to make each other feel so wonderful? I'll say it like this, Have an affair with your husband! Treat him as if you just met, and try to make him feel as if he doesn't know you. Like I said, this isn't easy but if you can accomplish this you will find that the way he acts, the way you both feel about each other, and the little things will change. You could think about it like this, if you were to have an affair outside your marriage...what would you do? Then do that with him. A suggestion of mine would be to pick a night out of the week and make it a Date Night, get out of the house and do something you normally wouldn't do (but something that you would do as if you just meet him). Go to a movie, get a motel room for the night, go to a nice restaurant, anything, just get out of the house for a night. When someone has an affair they can always seem to find the time to be with each other away from other the outside world.
Your right about the things you mentioned (money together, great insurance, paid off house) keeping you there. Things are just that, things. Nothing in this world should keep you from doing anything. As far as the medications goes, that would be up to a medical professional but personally I feel that doctors today give too many medications to people that don't need them. As long as your not having suicidal thoughts or hurting yourself in any form and feel that you can competently run your life and get done whatever you need to get done with-in a day I feel that your fine. I am not a Doctor, but I'm sure a doctor or two would agree with me. There is no need to thank me but I do appreciate the gesture and your welcome. :-)