What to do when your kids don't follow rules that step parent puts in place?
I have been remarried to someone for 6 yrs. he has 2 older children 25 and 28 and do not live with us and I have 2 children that are 17 and 21 that do live with us. The issue at hand is my husband doesn't feel like my children care about the rules he has put in place, some are such as: Clean the dishes they dirty, to always try to help out, to not eat anywhere else but the kitchen, not let the poodle on the furniture. There are no issues with curfews and such because they are well behaved and not interested in partying or staying out late. I admit they are lazy about doing these things, but my husband wants me to always be correcting them. I feel that they are just acting like kids or young adults and I should save the scolding for real important things they do wrong. He thinks I baby them and over look too much. At the same time they never get in trouble and are drug free kids. Am I slacking or does my husband have too high of expectations? Just this week we walked into the living room and the poodle was on the couch and he freaked out and thinks they don't respect him. My son was in the living room, but was trying to fix his contacts and didn't realize the dog was there, at least that what he said. But, I think my husband way over reacted. He gets upset if the garage door is down and they lift it to leave and leave it open (they don't have a garage door opener) He wants them to go out from the door to the house and they better have locked it back! I could go on, I'm frustated with always hearing him gripe about my kids. And I have not even begun to tell you what his son put me through when he lived with us as a teenager! By the way I love my husband very much! Any advise?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on -
While I can totally relate to you on this issue (our oldest is 22 years old who is in the military but we have another teenager in the home), I would have to side with your Husband on this issue. Rules are rules, and CLEARLY your husband IS being disrespected. Your children disrespect him by "forgetting" or simply being lazy. It appears YOU need to practice some "tough love" with your children. Your children ages 17 and 21 are not hardly children or adolescents worthy of "scolding" - they are ADULTS, and if they can't follow the rules, they should live elsewhere. In the real world, they will not be afforded opportunity after opportunity to do the right thing and you continuing to make excuses for them sets them up for failure and damages your marriage. You are only frustrated because you feel attacked by your husband "griping" (I would say he is venting) about YOUR children, which looking at it from another point is not the case. Your husband and you need to be a "united front" otherwise your relationship will suffer.
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Permalink Reply by Marie on -
Thanks for your opinion, but I still think their are some control issues. He even corrects my dad and brothers when they come over. It will work its self out, my son is a senior and going away to college, my daughter is a junior in college and goes full time, so I'm sure when she can afford it, she'll find a place of her own. I just don't think you understand the whole story. When my husbands son lived with us he put us through hell! He would bring different girls over to sleep and I kept telling my husband to talk to him, I didn't want that kind of behavior in front of what was then, my 15 and 11 yr old. Not to mentioned being arrested for drugs, stealing, etc... He's older now and doing well, but my kids have been a dream compared to what he put us through and I'm not being biased. My kids had a bad start with him, well I guess I did too. When we first met he would lie to me and I would cry a lot and we would argue a bunch. It made my kids mad at him because they didn't want to see me hurt. Plus they like most kids from divorced parents, just didn't want me with anyone but their dad. He has come a long way with his relationship with my kids, he had to earn all of our respect by telling the truth (to me). We have worked through a lot of really tough issues and I'm sure we will get through this.
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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on
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You are correct - I don't know the whole story, and was merely responding to your request for advice based upon the information you originally posted. To fully and more accurately respond would have required me to also get your husband's version of the facts and his perception of the situation(s). Great job on working through the issues!
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Permalink Reply by Bibi on
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You said your husband is not telling you the truth. Truth about what? I think you have good children who are well behaved and well brought up. Your ex husband should be proud about the way you brought up your children, Keep it up. If your current husband complained about your children and your parents i think it is because he want more time with you and want just you and him alone. If you love you husband and love you children, the only way is to sent you children to school in another city, your parent should stay away from your marriage because your husband is afriad of loosing you.
Bibianna.
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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on
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Sending your children "away" and shunning your parents is bad advice. In my 23 years as a counselor, I am at a loss for words why someone would even suggest such advice. My jaw actually dropped while reading the response - totally flabbergasted. Let's give Bibi the benefit of the doubt as to perhaps a language and cultural difference (her profile indicates she is from Nigeria). Children and parents are an integral part of family dynamics - the issues MUST be worked out. Continue working through those issues with your therapist, Marie, and keep us posted on your progress.
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