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What does your husband or wife do to make you mad? How do you handle the issue?

My husband stays on the computer long periods of times. It makes me angry with him when he does not take the time to spend anytime with me. When I say long periods I am meaning 4 or more hours after he comes home from work. We use to have a PS3 but not anymore. He would spend 12 hrs. on that thing. If I mention to him I need some quality time with him he gets mad. Then by the time I am trying to get him to spend some time with me he is so tired he slips off to sleep. What's with that? I get angry with him and we start arguing. He tells me he is tired. I get it he needs some time to himself but he forgets that I may a little TLC from him. He forgets I exist sometimes. We will get so mad some times we go to bed mad with each other. How can I help resolve issues like this without hurt feelings?

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT on July 10, 2011 at 12:30pm

I'm concerned that there is more going on here than problems within the relationship - there are red flags waving around his online/gaming use.  Four hours after work (with you there being ignored) and 12 hours in a row previously with gaming might indicate an addiction problem.  I am seeing this more and more with the individuals and couples I work with.  The form may vary (stuck staring into the iPhone during meals, etc - or always checking email...) but the end result is the same.  It can have a significant impact on the relationships around the person who has a compulsive need to be engaged in these activities.

 

I would recomment couples counseling.  A good therapist will be able to identify the presence of an addiction issue (if there is) in the process.  You clearly are not getting your needs met - and your husband doesn't seem to see a problem with his behavior. 

If communication doesn't work, counseling can be an extremely useful tool to help get you both back on track.

 

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples

Permalink Reply by SAM on July 22, 2011 at 10:21pm

You already have hurt feelings if you are angry about his behavior.  You should understand that he has no power to make you feel anything.  You choose how you want to feel about what someone says or does.  You say you get angry, but why do you get angry.  You say it is his actions that trigger your anger, but is it really his actions.

 

One of the ways you can handle this situation is by eliminating the emotional component.  Figure out why you feel the way you do.  Then clearly explain to your husband in practical terms what it is that you need.  Men don't deal with emotions very well, but if you make it logical and practical, that usually gets their attention.  Just make it clear that from a practical standpoint your relatonship will have difficulty surviving in its current state.  No need for shouting or yelling.  Simply state what it is that you need, why it's important for the relationship, and the consequences if his behavior does not change.

 

If he has any level of intelligence and wants you to continue to be a part of his life, then he should be willing to shutdown that computer and log into you.

 

For more informaton about relationships and marriage, visit www.SoulVisionTV.com and click on "The Marriage Contract".

 

SoulVisionTV.com

Permalink Reply by Dreama kim on July 25, 2011 at 6:35pm
hmm, i guess I am mad when my wife starts to communicate with unknown males. of course, it is for friendship but it is still not right. i guess it is difficult for women to understand that. she can communicate but must be within "normal" limit. the problem is how to define "normal". i will feel uneasy when the words "dear", "missing" started to crawl up. i think, nowadays, mena dn women are the same. they are predators .. hahaha.

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