There is a big difference between 'can't' and 'won't'. Dennis Prager wrote a good editorial addressing why women should put in the effort to have sex with their husband. Nothing touches a man like his wife having sex with him. To ignore this is to degrade your relationship (of course this assumes he has a normal libido). If you really love him and want him to be around, you need to put in the effort.
If you decided to take the feminist position, then don't complain when things fail.
How would you like it if he decided he didn't feeeel like talking to you anymore?
A big deal out of nothing? Why don't you just spit in his face? Physical contact is very important to the male in the relationship. How would you feel if he said talking was nothing?
Interesting how women can swallow the feminist line and feel that they don't neeeed men anymore. Then want to complain about the quality of their relationship.
The reality is that many men get married and find that their sex life is LESS than it was when they were single.
Have fun as a single mom.
I've been in your husbands' shoes. It's a painful situation for both spouses and there are two issues here that require teamwork, not "he'd better fix it or else..."
I'm a little concerned by how casually Katie and Sherri are saying "the sex stopped but that's okay and not something that we need to work on". I get that desire is a tricky thing and pregnancy plays havoc on it, but not fighting for an important part of marriage isn't okay. At least want a change enough to look into it. Talk to your doctor, read up on the topic online or in several good books out there. Most importantly, tell your husband you're working on it. "Honey, I know this is tough for you and I don't understand why I feel this way, but I enjoyed our closeness before and want to get it back as much as being a new mother allows. Here's what I'm looking into..." It will mean the world to him.
For husbands, sex is much more than "getting off". He's now doing that with pornography and he'll still feel empty and shame at some level. Here's a good article on what sex means to most men:
Sexual rejection, on the other hand, leaves a person with a higher drive feeling undesirable, unwanted, unloved. He feels abandoned and imagines all of these horrible reasons why his wife no longer wants him, most of which are much worse that the truth. To get a glimpse of the feelings involved, read this article and comments:
It's heart breaking, but really listen to how these people feel. If it helps, find articles where the wife is the rejected one as their explanations might resonate more. They're often in more pain because it goes against the advertised norm. But, please, don't just accept that your sexual desire is gone. At the same time, be patient and expect patience from your husband as your body is going through a lot. Make it something to discuss and work on together. Negotiate and schedule sex if you have to, or schedule evenings where you can cuddle with "no strings attached" so you can also get the affection you need without pressure. There are lots of good resources out there with ideas.
So, on to the pornography. It sucks and I'm so glad to have it behind me. Please learn about shame cycles and how they feed into addictions. The more isolated and shamed he is, the more he'll run to it, so be careful about how you address it. If you're looking for him to fail, he'll fail. It often stops being about sex at some point and becomes an anesthetic for stress.
I really like this blog for addicts and spouses for the way it addresses the teamwork aspect and an approach that's most likely to work:
The author has a book coming out next month that I'd expect to be pretty good. It's called "Love You, Hate the Porn".
It's not fair that he brought that garbage into your relationship, but that's your new reality. If you can find ways to work together on your two problems, you'll come out the other side as a stronger couple.
The issue of sex after a baby can be a complicated one because there are no pat answers. Women navigate their pregnancy and after birth sexual desire individually; very often the way this is handled, is contingent on the quality of the marriage relationship before pregnancy and birth, including the level of openness and understanding which characterized the relationship. I have been married for over twenty-five years and during that time there have been several times when my sexual desire did not match that of my husband's. Don't be mistaken, I happen to love sex but hormonal fluctuations, stress, children and the like, can all be lethal to our sex lives. So how should we respond as women?
It begins first with our understanding how important and essential sex/sexual activity is to the life of a marriage. Let's face it, sex cannot be compared to taking out the trash or any other mundane activity in a marriage; it is a significant deal-breaker in the marriage relationship; it cultivates intimacy and strengthens the bond between husband and wife; and let's not forget, it is extremely important to a man. Sex defines a man in perhaps a way that no other activity does. If you're a woman married to a man, then this is a fact that you have just got to come to terms with. So what should a woman do when she is not in the mood especially for an extended period of time?
Good response. It is important for women to try to understand the needs and desires of men as much as it is for us to try to understand those of our wives. We are expected to make the effort. Women seem to think they inately understand us. They don't.
So they can either put in the effort, or deal with the pain.
I have a casting notice that may be of interest to you and your meet up group. We are Shed Media US, producers of ABC’S “Supernanny”, Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New York City”, “Bethenny Getting Married?”, and Animal Planet’s “It’s Me Or The Dog”. We are currently casting a new relationship docu-series for married couples who want to reconnect and rekindle their love lives. Whether it’s schedules, children, or just life in general, their love lives have been put on the back burner! The series will involve a 7 day challenge that will include romantic homework assignments and a romantic getaway to recapture the passion that brought them together. We are looking for local Los Angeles couples and there is compensation. Thanks so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you!
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3800 Barham Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90068