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I gave birth to a beautiful son and after i had the birth i didn't want to be Intimate for a while so my husband started looking at things on the internet and tv and i confronted him about it. It now has been a little over 6 months. I don't know what to do anymore i have tried since then and still nothing...

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I kinda have the same problem. Only my husbands looking around started while I was pregnant. I was that statistic that didn't enjoy sex while pregnant and we had our battles about it. I had our son about 6 weeks ago and since then, any free time we have he tries to initiate intimate time and I just can't. Since I got pregnant I think we have had sex a total of 4 times. I know it bothers him since we used to be so close before, but I can't get him to understand that with everything going on, I just don't have it in me. That of course leads to arguments and fights about other things, which then cycles back around and I can't be intimate with him after a fight. So, I feel your pain. I wish I had an answer for you. As far as what I did when I found out about the movies and the internet porn, I threw a fit. I guess I made such a big deal about it that it made him feel so bad about betraying me and what we have that he got real upset and promised not to do it again, that was almost a year ago and so far (to my knowledge) he hasn't since. So again, I wish I could help more with a solution.

There is a big difference between 'can't' and 'won't'.  Dennis Prager wrote a good editorial addressing why women should put in the effort to have sex with their husband.  Nothing touches a man like his wife having sex with him.  To ignore this is to degrade your relationship (of course this assumes he has a normal libido).  If you really love him and want him to be around, you need to put in the effort.

 

If you decided to take the feminist position, then don't complain when things fail.

 

How would you like it if he decided he didn't feeeel like talking to you anymore?

My husband started looking at that junk while I was working late at work (even started online relationships) and then continued while I was pregnant and after I had our son. I still don't 100% trust that he isn't doing it anymore, but when I found out I was so upset I called his mom and told her about it. My husband thought I was just being a "prude" but having his mom know and having to explain things to her really made him see that it wasn't right. I hated letting my MIL in on my problems, but it was probably the best thing I did to help and saved our marriage. I also made him see our preacher about it - that didn't help as much as the MIL, but our preacher could tell him WHY he did and what to do when he wants to start looking at it agian. Another thing that helped him quit - I put my budget together for leaving him and showed him and told him my whole plan for where I would live and how I would support our children - it opened his eyes that I didn't NEED him and I would stay in our marriage only because I WANTED to.

As far as the sex thing - explain that the past 6 months has just been a blip on the radar of your lives together - he can make it through. And he's making a big deal out of nothing - he'd probably go longer if he was single and not married to a wonderful woman willing to give birth to his son anyway! :)

Keep your chin up!

A big deal out of nothing?  Why don't you just spit in his face?  Physical contact is very important to the male in the relationship.  How would you feel if he said talking was nothing?

 

Interesting how women can swallow the feminist line and feel that they don't neeeed men anymore.  Then want to complain about the quality of their relationship. 

 

The reality is that many men get married and find that their sex life is LESS than it was when they were single.

 

Have fun as a single mom.

I did confront him and it hurt because he never said he would stop he didn't even admit to it after i confronted him he blames it on me for not feeling like it after the baby? the arguments continue and He wont go to counseling . I think because he is a counselor he doesn't think he needs too.

I've been in your husbands' shoes.  It's a painful situation for both spouses and there are two issues here that require teamwork, not "he'd better fix it or else..." 

 

I'm a little concerned by how casually Katie and Sherri are saying "the sex stopped but that's okay and not something that we need to work on".  I get that desire is a tricky thing and pregnancy plays havoc on it, but not fighting for an important part of marriage isn't okay.  At least want a change enough to look into it.  Talk to your doctor, read up on the topic online or in several good books out there.  Most importantly, tell your husband you're working on it.  "Honey, I know this is tough for you and I don't understand why I feel this way, but I enjoyed our closeness before and want to get it back as much as being a new mother allows.  Here's what I'm looking into..."  It will mean the world to him.

 

For husbands, sex is much more than "getting off".  He's now doing that with pornography and he'll still feel empty and shame at some level.  Here's a good article on what sex means to most men:

http://www.themarryblogger.com/marriage/sex-marriage/when-sex-is-mo...

 

Sexual rejection, on the other hand, leaves a person with a higher drive feeling undesirable, unwanted, unloved.  He feels abandoned and imagines all of these horrible reasons why his wife no longer wants him, most of which are much worse that the truth.  To get a glimpse of the feelings involved, read this article and comments:

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy/

 

It's heart breaking, but really listen to how these people feel.  If it helps, find articles where the wife is the rejected one as their explanations might resonate more.  They're often in more pain because it goes against the advertised norm.  But, please, don't just accept that your sexual desire is gone. At the same time, be patient and expect patience from your husband as your body is going through a lot.  Make it something to discuss and work on together.  Negotiate and schedule sex if you have to, or schedule evenings where you can cuddle with "no strings attached" so you can also get the affection you need without pressure.  There are lots of good resources out there with ideas.

 

So, on to the pornography.  It sucks and I'm so glad to have it behind me.  Please learn about shame cycles and how they feed into addictions.  The more isolated and shamed he is, the more he'll run to it, so be careful about how you address it.  If you're looking for him to fail, he'll fail.  It often stops being about sex at some point and becomes an anesthetic for stress. 

 

I really like this blog for addicts and spouses for the way it addresses the teamwork aspect and an approach that's most likely to work:

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/

 

The author has a book coming out next month that I'd expect to be pretty good.  It's called "Love You, Hate the Porn".

 

It's not fair that he brought that garbage into your relationship, but that's your new reality.  If you can find ways to work together on your two problems, you'll come out the other side as a stronger couple.


The issue of sex after a baby can be a complicated one because there are no pat answers. Women navigate their pregnancy and after birth sexual desire individually; very often the way this is handled, is contingent on the quality of the marriage relationship before pregnancy and birth, including the level of openness and understanding which characterized the relationship. I have been married for over twenty-five years and during that time there have been several times when my sexual desire did not match that of my husband's. Don't be mistaken, I happen to love sex but  hormonal fluctuations, stress, children and the like, can all be lethal to our sex lives. So how should we respond as women?

It begins first with our understanding how important and essential sex/sexual activity is to the life of a marriage. Let's face it, sex cannot be compared to taking out the trash or any other mundane activity in a marriage; it is a significant deal-breaker in the marriage relationship; it cultivates intimacy and strengthens the bond between husband and wife; and let's not forget, it is extremely important to a man. Sex defines a man in perhaps a way that no other activity does. If you're a woman married to a man, then this is a fact that you have just got to come to terms with. So what should a woman do when she is not in the mood especially for an extended period of time?

  • understand that marriage is a partnership built on compromise
  • understand that the covenant aspect of marriage means that as partners we must see 'the greater good" in any scenario; that often means putting our partner's needs before our own and yes ladies even our husband's sexual needs
  • we women pride ourselves in being great multi-taskers; we need to apply this to our marriages and sex lives; this means that after we become mothers and our attention is riveted on motherhood and we're busy "falling in love' with our babies, we have to pay extra, deliberate attention to our husbands; focus on why we fell in love, sneak some time off to reinvent and re-indulge our sexual selves (yes we are surrounded by baby formulas, baby powder and diapers but this is not all we are)
  • think sexual thoughts; reconnect sexually through visualizing yourself being sexual with your husband and then follow through with those thoughts
  • even if sexual desire is not as strong as you would like it to be or it feels non-existent, give your husband a break; do it for him, remember that true love is about selflessness; when you go out of your way to meet his sexual needs you might be surprised at how arousing this can be; even if desire does not materialize for you, at least you would have done a good deed
  • and of course there is the hand job or blow job; (do what you need to do, to keep sexual touching and responsiveness alive in your marriage, even if there is no straight up sex for a while)
  • the reality about sex is that to get sexual desire flowing you have to jump in and start doing it; the more you have sex, the more sex you are likely to want
  • (and of course all of this is helped by a husband who is attentive and involved with us in child rearing responsibilities, so that there is minimal burn out)

Good response.  It is important for women to try to understand the needs and desires of men as much as it is for us to try to understand those of our wives.  We are expected to make the effort.  Women seem to think they inately understand us.  They don't. 

 

So they can either put in the effort, or deal with the pain.

I have a casting notice that may be of interest to you and your meet up group.  We are Shed Media US, producers of ABC’S  “Supernanny”,  Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New York City”, “Bethenny Getting Married?”, and Animal Planet’s “It’s Me Or The Dog”.  We are currently casting a new relationship docu-series for married couples who want to reconnect and rekindle their love lives.  Whether it’s schedules, children, or just life in general, their love lives have been put on the back burner!  The series will involve a 7 day challenge that will include romantic homework assignments and a romantic getaway to recapture the passion that brought them together.  We are looking for local Los Angeles couples and there is compensation.  Thanks so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you!

 

Best Regards,

 

Annette Ivy

Casting Producer

Shed Media US

3800 Barham Blvd.

Los Angeles, CA  90068

aivy@shedmediaus.com

323-904-4680    x1061

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