We're Becoming Estranged! AHHHHHH!
I need help with communication from my hubby! I feel like we can never reach a common ground on anything. I try to present new things to him or things that I find interesting and, he's not amused. I get no feed back from him! And to discuss things he's interested in would be a feat because I don't even think HE knows!!! He's the baby of five boys and I feel like his Puerto Rican up-bring didn't open his mind to things outside of that. I'm a military brat so my parents brought me and my siblings up to be very well rounded and aware of things in the world.
Right now, I've been educating myself more on Global Warming and the like with the economy, since last month was Earth Day. And trying to discuss things that I've learned is like I'm talking to a caveman! I love my pookiebear dearly (yes, I call him my pookiebear- and snookabunny- and bubu...) but, I need some strategies or techniques on how to get him out of his simple-minded personality! I feel like I'm the intellectual one and doing all the work in researching different things for our marriage and he just exists! We use to have fun long time ago! I don't know what happened! Not that going out to have is the problem, its getting us to have deep, meaningful, intelligent, conversations. I feel that marriage is about experiencing and learning things together, bonding. If it's not made of those things, then what's the point?
And, I'm sooooo flexible that whatever he's in to I am as well. I watch UFC, Pinks, any shows that he would watch, I watch as well. I looooove these shows BUT, how do I get him into my world as well? I was watching something on the History Channel about an excavation in Egypt and, he didn't understand why I found it so interesting. He doesn't believe these archeologist go out and excavate history as we know it!!! I tried to talk to him about the latest research of men having a internal clock as discussed on the Today Show, he didn't want to believe it. He always shuns anything that I present that is of information away. I just don't get it! And that's just the communication part of it! We barely make love anymore! And I mean barely! Like as in every quarter moon! And that's actually too often! It's less often than that! We don't sit and cuddle or have quite moments where we just sit and look at each other and talk. I NEED HELP! I FEEL SOOOOO ALONE!
Right now, I've been educating myself more on Global Warming and the like with the economy, since last month was Earth Day. And trying to discuss things that I've learned is like I'm talking to a caveman! I love my pookiebear dearly (yes, I call him my pookiebear- and snookabunny- and bubu...) but, I need some strategies or techniques on how to get him out of his simple-minded personality! I feel like I'm the intellectual one and doing all the work in researching different things for our marriage and he just exists! We use to have fun long time ago! I don't know what happened! Not that going out to have is the problem, its getting us to have deep, meaningful, intelligent, conversations. I feel that marriage is about experiencing and learning things together, bonding. If it's not made of those things, then what's the point?
And, I'm sooooo flexible that whatever he's in to I am as well. I watch UFC, Pinks, any shows that he would watch, I watch as well. I looooove these shows BUT, how do I get him into my world as well? I was watching something on the History Channel about an excavation in Egypt and, he didn't understand why I found it so interesting. He doesn't believe these archeologist go out and excavate history as we know it!!! I tried to talk to him about the latest research of men having a internal clock as discussed on the Today Show, he didn't want to believe it. He always shuns anything that I present that is of information away. I just don't get it! And that's just the communication part of it! We barely make love anymore! And I mean barely! Like as in every quarter moon! And that's actually too often! It's less often than that! We don't sit and cuddle or have quite moments where we just sit and look at each other and talk. I NEED HELP! I FEEL SOOOOO ALONE!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jarvis Sams on -
Here's a book you might want to give him (and buy the companion book for yourself) entitled: For Men Only: A Straightforward guide to the inner lives of women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. The book can give your husband insight into what he doesn't clearly see as an issue right now, it has helped me and other men see the mistakes that they've made and are making. The companion book (For Women Only...) will give you an insight into what makes him tick.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Permalink Reply by Tanesha Sierra on -
You guys are awesome! Thank you! And now we're in the process of purchasing a home so, thinks have to start looking up. I'm also trying to convince him that I need to pursue my dreams of becoming a Fashion Designer by attending a college that's 3 hours away. I figure I be a part time student, taking 2 courses one day a week. I've be laid off in early part of January and it just made me really consider what I want out of this one life I have. Plus, I've been pursuing this before I meet him and during courtship! I would like me to pursue another career! Heck no! It doesn't help that I need $500 for the matriculation fee, either. Especially since he's the only income at the moment.
But, thanks guys for your suggestions! I will definitely let you know how things are going with the book and quiz. Your wives and/or girlfriends are very lucky!!! Lol!
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Permalink Reply by itsmemichelleb on -
maybe if you stopped trying to reach him in his world, he would notice and come into yours a little bit to see what interest u, like when you were dating and he needed to woo you, now that he has you, he is off duty and the more you make yourself open to him, the more he seems to be closed off; so try mabe closing yourself off a little bit to him too and see if that doesn't get his attention after a few days of you "not quite being yourself"
hope that works, it usually does for me :)
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Permalink Reply by Tanesha Sierra on
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That might have worked, michelleb! But guess what ya'll? WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED!!!! Thanks for the suggestions but, it got ugly where he thought he could take my debit card and the car keys from me, leaving me stranded at home. I finally had to call his superiors to get him to stop. Because of that now he wants a divorce and that's fine. It was nice chatting with everyone!
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Permalink Reply by Nancy McClain on -
So sorry! to hear that if you can come back here and let us know how you are doing. you need us more now then before. I will be praying for you. God bless and kept you, stay strong and kept your head up .If you need a friend I am there for you.
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Permalink Reply by Tanesha Sierra on
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Thank you so much! So much has happened since my last blog. I made a report against my husband to only be the who goes to jail instead of him. He's an officer in a small town so, anything goes. This was my second report against my husband. The first report I made I went straight to his Sgt. and then the following morning his Capt. called him in for a sit down. His Capt. ordered us to marriage counseling but we only went to one session because he didn't want to continue. He took my debt card and phone away from me because of a visit to my cardiologist.
I'm now having to do community service and take anger management classes because I was charged with Criminal Domestic Violence. We still keep in touch and he just paid for my PTI program yesterday. He wants to work the marriage out but we're 500+ miles apart. I never done anything to him or our relationship to deserve the strife he's put me through. When he meet me, my family was poor and homeless living in a warehouse/soup kitchen. I thought he loved me. He would ride his bike, even though he had a car, 3 miles to come and see me back in 2006. He knows all the hard times I've been through. I confided in him and told him that I was raped by a family member. He was supposed to be my safety net, my protector, my friend. I did everything and anything to make him happy. When he was in the academy between January and March, he would come home every weekend and I would iron all his uniforms with military creases, I'd wash them....these things I would do for him are no magnificent feat for me, their second-nature for me. I'd do almost anything for him. I don't know what to do with him! He wants us to be together and "take it one step at a time". How can we get the help we need? I really need help for my marriage. I've been researching since last summer and has been reaching out to him, letting him know that we need help for our marriage before we become the young statistics that are out there. He would promise me over and over, but nothing. I just find it unfair that I get humiliated like this while he gets to save face and live a lie in that small town and keep his dignity. I need help! My health is going to the wayside.
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Permalink Reply by Keith King on -
You've had some rough times and this will never change no matter who your with or where you are at. Life isn't fair and most of us tend to forget that from time to time wanting only what we want. No relationship is perfect and a mate doesn't see eye to eye at all times but I believe any relationship is salvageable. I'm not saying that there are not relationships that don't need to be discarded, but in general when two people fall in love there is always a chance for making things work. You remind me of my wife and her background with what you have said, and I'm not comparing you to her but you both have been through a lot of domestic hardships. Bad things in the past do influence your actions and what you say, but they don't have to. My heart goes out to you and what you are going through, the hard time always seem to be a never ending battle. I am not a Doctor, nor am I in the field of marriage counseling, I didn't even graduate High School so maybe I shouldn't even be replying to any of these posting but I do know people in general. Not to mention that I'm in a relationship that has had it's ups and downs. I like to help people and I'm not giving advice, just my opinion and therefore you don't have to listen to a word that I've written.
You had mentioned that you both had gone to marriage counseling but only went to one session because he didn't want to continue going, yet he still wants to quote "work the marriage out". This goes against what he is saying. He says he wants to work things out but he doesn't want to put toward any effort to do so. Nothing in this life come without cost, and the cost here is everything you both have worked so hard to get...each other. A man works very hard to find a good woman and to keep this woman, but at some point this same man feels that he's put in his effort and work and feels that he doesn't have to do any more to keep this woman. This is where most men are blind, a relationship is a constant battle and require constant work to keep things moving in the right direction. This really applies to both partners, especially in a marriage. There is so much I want to say but it is just easier for me to give you a reference point. I've read a lot of books, programs, and videos on the subject of relationships and the differences between men and women, in my opinion counseling could help but I think the programs "Light your Fire" and "Light his Fire" by Dr. Ellen Kreidman would be the best. I have mentioned these programs in another posting before and I think that the Dr. explains things much better than I ever could or any book that you could read. I'll save you time of google-ing and give you the link-http://www.lightyourfire.com/
I wish you the best and hope things can be resolved for you, good luck and take care.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy McClain on
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Hello,
It nice to hear for you. You need God in your life read the bible and as God what you should do with this men if you really love him make it work with him. Marriage some time need a lot of work no one said if was going to be easy. Life is hard love is hard. we all need help with our Marriage at time . God bless and kept you. Hope you are happy with your self first. Always think about yourself and God will take care of the problem !!
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Permalink Reply by wrood welaloya on -
hello
games
try to play games with him like the game says "how much you know me " and you might get a little naughty like every time he gives you good answer you just lose a peice of your clothes... enjoy your marriage
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Permalink Reply by vk on
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Wow, your story reminds me of what I'm going through. I'm Puerto Rican and was raised like the way you said your husband was raised, but my thoughts and dreams were much different than what I was use to seeing around me; I wanted more and different than those of my surroundings. I wish I had the answers you need to help you, but I do understand some of what you are going through because the same is happening to me and I too feel alone. I have decided to do the things that makes me happy and if he wants to join, fine and if not, too bad. We use to do a lot of things together, but now he just wants to come home from work and watch tv and then wants me to sit every day and do the same thing. Sometimes, I feel like we are just roommates. Anyway, I hope you will get the help you need here.
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