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Swingers, Swapers, Polygamy, Polyandry and Open Marriage

Be it on TV (e.g. Big Love, Swingtown), the internet, the newspapers, church, the park, at work, or Walmart, it seems everywhere we look these days we run into people who are experimenting with various sexual and relational extra marital activities within their marriages. People have been cheating and destroying their marriages by having affairs for as long as their have been marriages. In the last few years we've become increasingly aware of something else that has apparently been going on for at least a few decades as well. It seems that these are mutually agreed upon affairs in generally strongly committed and loving marriages. My wife has expressed openness to trying this. I have to admit to being a little curious about it myself...but not so much that I'd risk my marriage. We are curious what other people think. We are especially interested in knowing what people think of it who have actually tried or are currently doing this. What sort of experience (good or bad) have you had?

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I just like hearing about a topic that is interesting
Then How could King Solomon have a thousand wives and concubines ? Thats in the bible to.
My wife and i have gone to swingers clubs and its been fine for us. Although I've learned from mistakes with previous partners so we follow some basic rules which work for us. We never discuss it with our friends. If we go to a club we never continue relationships outside the club. This way you can leave your fantasy world in the club and have a normal life the rest of the time. Its important to separate sex and intimacy becasue they are 2 entirely differrent things.. If you have people in your life who you are already intimate with (your friends) sex can really bring that to another level which might not be really comfortable and something will suffer, either your marriage or your friendship... I would say swinging isn't nessasarily a bad idea but you have to discuss and figure out what you are both comfortable with set the ground rules first. I would also say that having sex with your friends is probably a bad idea if you want to stay friends or stay married. I'm inclined to agree with one bored employee above that the 4 becoming one thing doesn't usually work long term. You guys might have fun for a while but its bound to end in tears.
I think it is playing w fire, bc even if it is ok w u two at first, things change, emotions change and it is a slippery slope to becoming disconnected from eachother
What about a couple that doesn't really swing, but one party has side relationships. My husband for years would tell me while we had sex about his fantasy of watching me be with other men.This is not a hotwife fantasy, where there is a submissive or dominant party with a fetish or kink aspect to it. This is finding other men, meeting them out, and going to a swinger club to have sex. Often just TnA and hands until a later date when I have confirmed there health status. Over the years this has led to one on one dating, my husband being there, my husband participating. This has waxed and waned over the years but we have thoroughly enjoyed it and it has made our sex explosive for most of that time. What are everybody's thoughts, are we crazy? Obviously we don't think so. Sex can be the most important thing in your marriage life, and it STILl will only be a minor use of your time. Children, work, food, vacation, money problems, helath problems, LIFE will more determine the strength and character of your relationship moreso than sex.
Well...I haven't been back here for a while to check in. A lot has happened while I was gone... There are a lot more posts on here. This appears to be a popular discussion. There have been lots of people with lots of opinions, lots of ideas, lots of logical arguments and encouragements on one side or the other.

Thank you all... seriously. Thank you.

A lot has happened while I was gone with us too. This question is no longer a question of whether or not we should do it. It is now a question of whether or not we should have, or if we should continue.

We jumped in and tried it... a lot. In the end, it wasn't a logical decision at all. It was a totally emotional decision.
Any regrets? Yes and no. The variety of emotions and their intensity was (is) profound. You can pretty well guess there was no regret at the time, but what about the next day? The next day there was a profound peace -- at least for me. For my wife it was more like a major ego boost. (Richardo, you should appreciate the last two sentences). Actually, it is way more complex than that for both of us. For our first time we didn't do it with our friends, it was with strangers at a swinger party. We went to "watch" and you could say we got a very close up first hand view of it. Our first several times were with strangers. After doing it several times the desire to do it al the time decreased for me and increased for my wife. What increased for me is the pleasure I get in watching her do it. A couple problems are that 1. She is a total beauty and sexy as can be, plus she is passionate and uninhibited. The men respond to her in ways to her that seem to make their wives insecure or jealous when they see it. So that leads to problem 2. We can avoid number one by doing things in different rooms so his wife doesn't see him respond with upset drama. Unfortunately that means I can't watch either which is one of the most enjoyable things for me. We tried single guys, but most of them can't handle it. They have sex with her one time and it's unlike anything they've ever experienced and they want to marry her and keep her. That didn't bother me except one time. There is a guy that the three of us have "played" together twice. He is one of two partners my wife has had that has given her totally mind blowing sex, including having regular orgasms from vaginal sex. He has become a friend of ours, especially of my wife, they have classes together at the university, study together, socialize together after class (sometimes including other friends and classmates), and now they are starting a business together. And while the three of us have had sex together twice, the two of them have sex together very frequently; so frequently that she doesn't even tell me every time any more that she wants to, is going to or has done it. That's where I had to tell her it was making me insecure and unhappy. I am alright about each particular in this, but when you add them all together it bothered me a lot. I asked her to stop doing it with him without me. We had a fight about it. We are still trying to figure out what we are going to do about our disagreement on this. I don't think I've been able to see I'm a little selfish on this and somewhat afraid. While I want to see her have fun, I'm afraid (for the first time in our marriage) that I could actually lose everything. The selfishness is that while I want her to have fun, I don't want it at the risk of our marriage. The 3rd. problem is that since I have become insecure with this one man under a few circumstances so much that I've asked her to stop, it strikes her that I don't trust her, or that I'm trying to control her. And I'd have to admit she's partly right on that. Our swinger friends have watched this unfold and have encouraged us to go back to our strengths in careful communication and effort. Which we have. We've entered deeper yet into the unseen world of feelings that are mostly below the surface.
If there are those who are interested in how this turns out over time, express an interest back on here and we will keep you posted on what we do a and how we feel as we go along.
Again, Thank you,
Michael Brandt.
Sounds like a great marriage was just destroyed!!!
Go SATAN...I guess you won this one, but you won't have mine.
This breaks my heart...
I've read the many replies so far posted, and there seems to be an almost universal condemnation by those purport to be "experts". It seems to me though, that there are two elements to extra-marital relationships (whether or not in "open" relationships or in occasional "straying"). We must recognise that there is the sexual aspect and the emotional aspect. My husband and I believe that most men and women, in the first instance, stray in the sexual context It's when the relationship(s) drift from being purely sexual to include the emotional aspect.that marriages (and partnerships) fail. Once we recognise this, then it's quite possible (and we believe beneficial) to have an arrangement where extra-marital emotional ties are prevented. My husband and I believe that we adhere to the right ground-rules that prevent getting emotionally involved with extra-marital sexual partners. Most importantly, we never have a "second night" with any couple (or man, but I'll come to this later). We always "swap" in the same room. We insist on "safe sex". We dicsuss our experiences openly afterwards. It all started with on holiday abroad three years ago, where we met another attractive couple about our age. We'd a fair amount to drink and while dancing with our opposite numbers the tempo change to a slow clingy dance and we continued. I was quickly aware that the guy was getting quite aroused, and tne same happened (he told me afterwards) with my husband with the other girl. When the bar closed we went to their room for some more drinks, and again danced this time to the radio music. When the girl with my husband shrugged out of her dress I went to pull away, but was held with a "I don't mind" from the guy I was dancing with. I hesitated for a few seconds then decided to see where things were going. I won't go on, but the outcome is pretty obvious. I had had a lot to drink and I did enjoy it a lot. The following day my husband and I had a long discussion about what had happened and how we felt about it. I was very surprised when he admiitted that he got more pleasure through watching me and the other guy than he had had with the othrer girl. I pressed him on this, and he was quite adamant that he was really turned on watching me with another guy. The couple we had been with only had another day on holiday, so there was no repeat performance. I couldn't get the idea that my husband really enjoyed watching me with someone else out of my mind and a couple of days later I threw out a challenge. There were several groups of youg guys in our hotel and I suggested to my husband that he found one of them for me, not too sure that he would take it up. Well he did. And there were no recriminations from my husband - he enjoyed it as did I. The fact that a stranger and my husband took turns with me made me a little uneasy, but talking it through afterwards with my husband put all my worries away. Now our own relationship is fantastic - no jealosies - and it only happens once or twice a month when we can find a stranger (or a couple). Anyway, it works for us. But only with strangers, no second time, and safe sex.
Im really sorry to hear this all sounds very unfortunate.. Sage advice from Debbie though, "only with strangers, no second time, and safe sex" from my own experience and also chatting with others who swinging has worked for long term, this method works for married couples... It sounds to me like your wife has fallen in love with this other guy and your marriage is in real danger of falling apart.. The exact same thing happend to me in a previous relationship, we got to intimate with another couple we swung with, weekends away at their place in the country etc.. we had a lot of fun.. actually in the end my girl and the other guy started to see each other on the side, secretly, eventually, it all came out and ended both relationships... because if there is no trust there is no point..

I agree with Debbie in that if you can swing within a framework of rules that prevents these emotional or intimate relationships from developing in the first place its a much better idea for married couples. Once these feelings begin to develop they can be very hard to control.. Its really interesting that your wife accuses you of trying to "control" her, when you really just wish she would control herself.. right.. for the health of your marriage
I am curious who often wants to intitatie this thing more, man or woman, I have read some stuff out of the Uk that says it is mainly men. Why. Boredom?
We too were curious, but in a slightly different context. I should explain that the best way we have of finding lone guys is to visit one of two hotels that provide facilities for conferences, seminars and the like. It's easy for my husband and I to start a converstion and after a little while a straight-talking offer is rarely refused. Almost all of these guys are married or in a stable relationship, and (later) when asked we find that almost 50% think that their wife/partner would never agree to swapping, and the other 50% say that they would never allow their wife/partner to swap. Interestingly, of the female friends that I know well enough to talk about such things, a few (maybe 10%) think that the idea is distastful. Of the rest I estimate that they are split down the middle. One half say that they would love to try it, but belive that their husband would be outraged about the idea. The other half say that either they would like to try but don't quite know how to raise the idea with their husband, or they don't know how to go about it. A surprising number admit to having had at least a one night-stand with someone other than their husband/partner but the husband/partner didn't know about it. At the personal level, I have three very close girl-friends (we go for a meal together at least once a month) - and yes we do talk about sex and all three know what my husband and I do. One of them stoutly says that she could never ever "do that sort of thing". Another is mildly interested, but isn't sure what her husband would say if she raised the subject. The third is very interested and has (after talking to her husband) asked me if they both could join with my husband and I. I refused, giving the reasons I've outlined here before. Later, her husband raised the matter with my husband assuring him that it would only be a one-time thing. He refused, explaining to him the reason for our refusal. Both of them repeatedly ask, and we repeatedly refuse. Rules are rules, though I suspect that my husband might say yes if I went along with the idea because the girlfriend is very attractive. "Not in my back yard" (NIMBY) has more than one interpretation :-)
Hey Kayla - you are so naive. And very wrong. Firstly, your husband having sex with someone you know is inviting an emotional attachment between him and another woman that will likely end your marriage. Secondly, do you really think that having sex with someone you know will avoid STD? The very fact that the third party is prepared to have sex with your husband would suggest that she is likely to have sex with other people and in doing so is MORE likely to have picked up an STD and pass it on to your husband who would pass it on to you. And HIV can be present for years before progressing to full-blown AIDS..The ONLY way is to practice safe sex - that means condoms. The last thing I'd ask is why "never a guy"? Believe me - NOTHING turns a guy on more than to watch his wife having sex with someone. And if your husband isn't prepared to go along with that then he really doesn't trust you - as you trust him. In that case be prepared to lose him !


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