Swingers, Swapers, Polygamy, Polyandry and Open Marriage
Be it on TV (e.g. Big Love, Swingtown), the internet, the newspapers, church, the park, at work, or Walmart, it seems everywhere we look these days we run into people who are experimenting with various sexual and relational extra marital activities within their marriages. People have been cheating and destroying their marriages by having affairs for as long as their have been marriages. In the last few years we've become increasingly aware of something else that has apparently been going on for at least a few decades as well. It seems that these are mutually agreed upon affairs in generally strongly committed and loving marriages. My wife has expressed openness to trying this. I have to admit to being a little curious about it myself...but not so much that I'd risk my marriage. We are curious what other people think. We are especially interested in knowing what people think of it who have actually tried or are currently doing this. What sort of experience (good or bad) have you had?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by david rubic on -
HI Brandie, I found your post quite interesting particularly as you raise the religious dimension of sexual politics. As you have raised it I would like to respond as I feel quite strongly that religion and sexuality have been one of the chief tools used by the controlling elite in the manipulation our(the masses) consciousness. So when you ask the question "are you guys religious" I think its important to take a step back and examine what you are really saying. In the first place by "religious" I am assuming that you are speaking of Christianity or some derivative of the that religious system. As there are different types of eastern and western based religious systems that championed many group sexual practices and rituals. In ancient times most religions were based on what they called fertility cults who would have orgies in the fields at the beginning of spring to summon a good harvests that year. Many of these systems can still be found today, in the form of ritual magic in the west and highly ritualized tantric meditation practiced in the new age movement, mahayana buddism, taoist and yogi practice. Marriage itself as a contract is only a recent invention. The fact is religious systems have become tools of the governing elite to control the masses and one of the chief techniques they have employed is that of creating something in our minds called "cognitive dissonance".. for example... part of the extremist suicide bomber training involves giving the teenage boys pornographic material, which they are told is filthy and corrupt but they are encouraged to "study" this material, then nature takes its course the boys get turned on which initiates a kind of self loathing, and then they promise the teenage boys that if they blow themselves up they will get 72 virgins in heaven... so fueled on pornographic material, deprived of contract with women, and provided with the solution to this sexual frustration which is a strap on bomb with the press of a button they will have all of their sexual fantasies fulfilled... Brandie I think we all need to begin to learn to think for ourselves, we need to stop kneeling to these religion scams and at the end of the day do what is best for you and your partner. Swinging isn't for everyone and not everyone needs to experiences it the same way either. One of the most interesting things for me about sexuality is how different and unique we all are. Different things turn different people on, and over time peoples turn on's change as well. As far as religions go I don't see any of them as qualified to really instruct us on how to live our lives and what our value system should or shouldn't be. I trust in my own path. So long story short no I am not religious but I do believe in our eternal consciousness, infinite love and unity of all creation.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl McCann on
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If you ask married couples who have been together 50 years or more, it is not because of an "open" marriage that they have stayed together, but rather because of being committed to one another. Marriage is built upon trust and how can you trust someone who says they love you but is intimate with someone else at the same time. It is not set up that way. Not buying the premise of open marriage. I do not think it ever works.
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Permalink Reply by jillian simpson on
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you have to be very very carious about this. you are letting someone return into your bedroom. Its not godly in my opinoin. Dont do it? even if your wife is fine with it just don't because you two will regret it or not I don't know.
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Permalink Reply by D&C on
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How do you know a couple will regret experimenting sexually?
My wife and I have experimented with including other people in our sex life, and it's been very fun and has brought us closer together.
We never play separately, and we feel more free to express ourselves sexually with each other.
As to whether it's godly or not. I think that's up to each person (or couple) to decide if that's a factor.
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Permalink Reply by c. suzi on
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So.. here's some advice. Remember when you started dating your wife? And you tried things you normally wouldn't have tried if it weren't for her, and she did the same for you? It's almost the same thing. Try it. Start small. Maybe if she's bi-curious try with a female first. Maybe she has a fantasy that you two can try. If at any point either (or both) of you become uncomfortable, then stop. Most 'swingers' are very accepting and they do not push. If you like it, great! If you don't - then you don't ever have to try it again.
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Permalink Reply by Will Powers on -
Michael- Thank you for inviting me to respond. I'd like to think of myself as being open-minded or somewhat sexually progressive, but my site: http://www.LetHerCheat.com/ does not advocate alternative relationships; instead it advocates alternative thinking about relationships. For that reason I agree with the mindset behind an open marriage, but not the act.
Let me explain what I mean in three parts.
Part1- Cheating Is Not Real
I denounce words and phrases like: Infidelity, Cheating, Having An Affair, Being Unfaithful, etc., because these terms are not real. These are false terms that permeate our society, like the goings-on of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and the like - they mean nothing but somehow when they enter our consciousness we're all supposed to take notice and/or be alarmed.
It reminds me of a time in my youth when I was driving my mom to the grocery store. Some guy in the turning lane directly in front us started having car trouble, then stopped right as the light had turned green. My mom took the liberty of "blowing the horn" for me, as she was quite offended by this guy's transgression - and quite frankly even more offended that I hadn't responded quickly. I can still hear her words, "Why didn't you let him have it?"
Well after that, I did. I took her advice and for years, I let drivers “have it" when I felt they had offended me. But one day I realized two things: I always felt like crap afterwards, and I had never been in a car accident. So was I really offended, or just conditioned to think I was?
Cheating is no different. Why should we make ourselves believe someone else's actions or desires are our fault? Why should we have to do something about it? Especially when it means losing our cool.
Think about that for a minute.
Part 2 – The Reality of Cheating
Most of us on this forum are highly educated via a combination of formal training and real-world experience. With that said, we all know in our hearts why the ones we love seek other partners. However, we are just too ego driven to admit it. But admitting it frees us from being offended or having to “blow our horn.”
What exactly am I talking about?
We Cannot Be Everything To The Ones We Love
Every human being on this planet seeks fulfillment. And Cheating is about satisfying a need we can’t find in out partners.
What’s a nice way of saying, “You’re not a good lover, a good listener, or provider?” Or better yet, how do you tell a partner “I can’t be me when I’m around you?”
Answer: You can’t. Divorce says it loud and clear though.
Part 3 – Cheating – Why You Should Allow It
First, let’s talk about sex being used as a marriage stimulant.
You and your wife both know what sex feels like. It’s good only when both partners are really into it or connected. For that reason, having sex for a recreational purpose is like having sex for the purpose of having sex. Acts such as these seem to benefit hormonal teens, but adults on the other hand, know how this will play out.
You Won’t Get Anything Out Of It
Why?
Sex by itself doesn’t connect to your soul. It’s the equivalent of eating too many chips or french fries – seems good at first but you’ll eventually get bored.
For the above reason I use a technique that makes my wife feel like she’s free to make her own choices, and this (not swapping) has done wonders for our marriage.
I call it complementing the motive; the concept involves making my actions inconsistent with that of a Cheater or any other “It’s all about me” behavior.
Have you ever experienced that weird Catch22 of telling someone not to do something? It makes him or her want to do it even more, doesn’t it? Well, I do the opposite. Instead of hiring detectives, constant questioning, or checking my wife’s phone records or email. I encourage her to make decisions that benefit her. I talk openly about guys I think she may be attracted to. I ask her to take off her wedding ring when we go out. I condone guys approaching her, as she’s still very attractive. More importantly, I talk to her about being more selfless. I challenge her on giving back to the community, or how she can help others. In short, I focus on making her a better person, or the things they make a person truly fulfilled.
Know what this does?
It takes the energy out of making her want to be with another guy, because the average guy doesn’t do what I’m doing. I also make sure I cover the basics of what women really find attractive in guys.
I’m not sure if I answered your question but I talk about all of this in my ebook: Let Her Cheat.
It would be my pleasure to send you a copy. Please join my email list and I’ll send you a copy when I finish making updates.
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Permalink Reply by One Bored Employee on
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So do you have an open marriage??
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Permalink Reply by siouxieaus on
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This is thought provoking... but it sounds like the thoughts in my head.. i want to explore.. i want to meet other men, i want to feel adored again.. apart from my husband adoring me etc.. is it ego.. yes.. do i want another lover.. no.. its not sex... its something...
anyway. thanks for your thoughts mike..
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Ok - my question is, if you are interested in swinging - why come to a Marriage site? Im sorry but this is gross. An open relationship is not a relationship at all but people who have convinced themselves that they are lacking somewhere in their satisfaction in being married or committed to one person. Dont be deceived by this. Some may say that this is the best experience but what is the point. Just because people cheat does not make open marriage and swinging "ok" it is just in excuse to not be faithful. Oh and by the way - loving your children is not the same as open marriages or swinging - sex was created to be between one man and his wife, not three people because they have decided that it is ok as long as they are being honest. It doesnt work like that. Yes sex is fun - between a man and a wife it is sacred - God said the TWO shall become ONE - I didnt see THREE or FOUR shall become one. Marital love is different than sibling love...you dont have relations with your siblings and you dont love your sibling with the same emotional connection that you do a spouse. How? It wasnt meant to be known why a man and wife can come together as one and connect in love, sex, thought, emotion and identity - that is the mystery...get back to the basics and read your bible. The answer are there....I believe that in my heart. Good luck though!
Im not saying that my marriage is great right now but I would be an idiot to be involved in this. And yall are looking for a world of trouble if you entertain open marriage and swinging - **shudders**
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Some of those who use this site are not christian and do not believe in that nonsense. So arguments that use the bible or christianity as a way to support your arguement are not convincing me.
I do enjoy reading the other comments from couples who have tried it and had it work.
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Im not trying to convince you - I gave my opinion. The fool will say that there is no God and hey that is jus the way it is. I cant fault you for that. BTW - what are you trying to be convinced of?
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