spotted with another woman

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on February 6, 2009 at 6:00am

The question here is who stands to benefit from the deceptive behavior. Why would your friend lie about something so hurtful? Why would your husband "cover" his behavior? By your own admission, you indicate your marriage has been hurting for some time. Steps to remedy the "lacking" should have been taken some time ago (counseling, etc.) - your husband's current behavior is a result of not doing so. You have already confronted him and he has not been forthcoming. You don't say if you asked your children, who your husband was suppose to be at home caretaking, if he was actually there keeping an eye on them. For your own peace of mind, you could hire a private investigator. But, you need to be prepared to take action if the findings prove to be accurate.

Sylvia

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Permalink Reply by rosie on February 6, 2009 at 1:19pm

Hi- thank you for your answer to my post. My husband and i did have counseling several years ago, and it was for quite a while. 3 children, stress, life, i have been very very accepting of all the day to day stuff life brings, my children bringing me happiness. i do not know why my friend would tell me if it weren't something she thought she could be sure of.
At first i asked my children about everything and they could not remember what they did that day-
and that bothered me- then they remembered what they had done, and what dad had done several days later.
so- when you say who benefits
- my husband covering his behavior?
or my friend from telling me? i feel very strongly that my friend would not have told me if she did not believe it to be true. i dont know why my children would cover for their dad, or not know what they did when i asked them= so i am still confused. and i do appreciate your help.thanks.

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on February 6, 2009 at 1:30pm

My question was merely a rhetorical one and only to promote thought. I believe you already know the answer to your situation so I would uphold your initial intuition and not downplay it. I would have to agree that you are probably getting the truth from your friend. Knowing what is probably the truth, the question and responsibility then turns to you: Are you ready to do and put forth what is necessary for the health and well-being of you and your children? Being someone's "side person" is both demeaning and unhealthy for your marriage.

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Permalink Reply by Bibi on March 12, 2009 at 6:46am

Who are you married to? Is it your husband or your friend? Dont you know that your friend is jealouse of your home and helping in destroying your home? If i were to be you, i would RUN away from that kind of friend. I call them home breakers. You are driving you husband away from you by not trusting him and men don`t like it when they try to be serious and you take them for granted. Why not see the secerity in his eyes and forget about what your friend said about him. As for me, if i should see my friend`s husband with a women in an unusual place, i will walk strienght to him, excuse him with respect, and scold and advice him, i will never go telling my friend in other not to distroy her home. CURIOUSITY KILLS THE CAT.

On the other hand, if my friend walk up to me to inform me about that, i will discard what she had said and simply show more love to my husband, i will get some sexy cloths for my self to dress to kill. Make him jelouse and insicure, like that, you will see your husband running around you all the time. he will easyly forget about the other woman no mater how old you are or how young the other woman would be.

Bibianna.

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on April 4, 2009 at 9:41am

I have to respectfully disagree with the poster above. Game playing (doing things to make him jealous and insecure) and manipulation are not mature and adult-like ways in which to handle a relationship. If you are not trusting of your husband, it is obvious he has behaved in a manner that has betrayed that trust, and because that trust has been betrayed, you can't just cavalierly discard what others are pointing out. Your husband is not your child for you to "scold and advice him". Sorry...the advice above just doesn't and won't hold water.

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Permalink Reply by Mi on April 4, 2009 at 10:36am

I think if you look up Bibi profile you may understand more of her differences. I've thought in the past that these responses are 'urge' based. It's a shame when we have to make assumptions and decisions from fear and ignorance,mind you ignorance is just not knowing nothing else is implied. I wonder why they don't have relationship classes in school. It may not be academic,but the knowledge(or lack of it) effects your life. It would be wonderful to prepare our children for enriching relationships in all areas of their lives.

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on April 4, 2009 at 10:46am

Couldn't agree with you more, Mi. Those "relationship" classes you refer to were available at one time when families remained, for the most part, intact and "mom" was around a lot more to teach and instill those relationship skills in the children. Oh...the stories I could share with you about my divorce clients. I have one client who is in her eighth (yes, you read correct) marriage and she can't understand why her children are so wayward and problematic - constantly plagued by "relationship" issues themselves.

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Permalink Reply by rosie on April 4, 2009 at 12:11pm

I want to thank you both for replying and for helping me with this situation. I think the Bibi person misunderstood what I was writing- as far as the friend being a homewrecker-
she was not the one that was spotted with my husband-
she is the one that did the spotting- as she was shopping with her husband 20 miles from here.
he is very angry with my friend for telling me about all of this as he still says it was impossible for it to be him- and that my friend should not have told me-
I dont think I will ever have the answer.
I think we could benefit from more counseling-
it has to be a mutual consent and desire to counsel.
we have our good days and our bad,
and i just am keeping my ears and eyes open.
so- that be said- i am working on myself-and keeping up with my kids-
and taking it a minute at a time.
thanks again for everyones replies- and talk soon.

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Permalink Reply by Will Powers on April 4, 2009 at 5:06pm

Mrs. Childress- I respectfully have to disagree with your suggestion. Hiring a private investigator? Who would want that? That's exactly the kind of action that warrants her husband's said behavior. I'm not saying that's what caused it, I'm saying that's not going to help it.

Interestingly, I want to feel surprised but somehow I do not, as this is representative of what plagues most of today's couples and marriages.

People simply don't have the freedom to live their lives. As a result, marriages today aren't about forming perfect unions, they're psychological traps because no one can be themselves.

Does it really matter if her husband was seen talking to another woman? Does that mean he's cheating on her?

I personally think it was her husband and, if so, look at the lengths he had to take to find a little piece of himself.

I apologize if I this offends anyone, but I do not believe marriage has to feel like a trap.

We are all human, with dynamic desires and feelings, and there is simply no way we can be 'everything' to our spouses all the time. It's just impossible.

Knowing this, wouldn't it be prudent to allow our partners the latitude to pursue what makes them happiest? Aren't they better at knowing what they want "real-time" than we are? Of course.

I vow not to be a marriage statistic - I love my wife as I do my children - that means I want the best for them. That's also means recognizing I'm not the best choice for every aspect of their lives.

A lot of us can't admit that. We fool ourselves in thinking we're the best lovers, listeners, etc. We also think that because we're married to them, they owe us unwavering commitment.

If it were my situation, I'd work on being the best possible me, as that's the only thing I have control over. If I were really serious about changing my spouses behavior, I would focus on things that attracted her, not the things that run her off.

I wrote something about this. Please check it out .

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Permalink Reply by rosie on April 22, 2009 at 9:13pm

I believe that I have given my husband more than enough latitude, enough latitude to have placed all of my commitments centered around his needs, and to make him happy, and to make my children happy. I have been nothing but loving, caring, and have had much patience with accepting the ins and outs the ups and downs of marriage, and I have never said that I expected it to be perfect, and I have always been a person to accept my mistakes, and to know that people make mistakes all of the time. I have known this man since I was 10. I have placed all the trust I could ever place in a relationship = into ours- this person has been my friend since I was a young girl, and has been someone that I have always wanted to love, to hold, to hug, to talk to , to be with. I have placed my heart in his hands. Therapy was something we did do, but a leopard has a hard time changing its spots was his reply to the therapist. We have had our ups and downs, and I though doubting all I have ever trusted, still am here in the home we share. I would just like to know the truth, and I am tired, and just want to move on. I do not think he would ever admit it to me, but I can see that he reminds me of the accusation of that very day, often. He speaks of my friend in a tone that makes me feel that he is mad at her for destroying our relationship. I am forgiving. I can deal with the truth. I can not stand being lied to. I can not stand, the constant reminders of the accusations whenever I bring up my friends name. There is no need for that, and though I still wonder if was him, I do not have proof, I did not witnes it with my ouwn two eyes, and I only have her word, so I just keep my ears and eyes open. I love him each and every day. I forget the painful accusations, and I wonder, only occasionally. I have lost 62 pounds since last year, I have worked hard at being attractive to him, and I have had comments from him that make me feel that he is not happy I have lost the weight = about other men checking me out- etc. I do not need to know that - or hear those comments, I just want to know that he finds me attractive, and that he loves me. I am proud of how far I have come, and how I look. I am smart, creative, dependable, and definitely a loving caring forgiving person. I discuss things with him about how I could never love another man, and if we did not exist as a married couple that I could never be with another man ever ever ever again. I am fine with myself, and with who I am. I just have known him for a long time, and know that something - is just not quite right- and for now- I take care of my children and I make sure that I am healthy and doing well.

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Permalink Reply by Will Powers on April 4, 2009 at 5:09pm

The hyperlink didn't take. But the article is called: How An Adage Can Help Your Marriage.

http://lethercheat.com/?p=159

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Permalink Reply by Lilly on April 6, 2009 at 9:22am

I will respectfully disagree with most comments here.. Because of my own experience, I can say that friends (and just people in general) not always wish you the best - even if it's your best friend.. And no need to look for the reason “Why”.. Just because it’s nature of some people - if you have something better (including relationship) some will want to come on top and get in between. And even if your relationship imperfect some people just want to mess up with you - don't ask why.. Not everything for the logical reason - it's for psychologists to analyze those people. Most comment here try to find logical reason why your friend would lie - I would say don't try... Plus where is she now? Did she stand behind her friend after doing that? If I understand correct she is now avoiding being a friend. First of all if it’s was me I would pass close by and say “Hi” to the person I knew was a husband of my best friend, so then there would be no confusion it was not him or I’m a liar etc. I would make him see me at least. On another hand I’m wondering where she was hiding in coffee shop that he didn’t see someone he knew?
There is more questions in this story – if it was your husband sitting there while you shop who was watching kinds (ask kids – they will tell you even if they little if someone else was watching them), another question – why in the world married man would go and sit in his neighborhood coffee shop with woman in the middle of the day and when his wife in town as well? Doesn’t make any sense to me..
I would say: Forget about who say what - people always speak, for centuries (don't they?) Trust is most important thing in relationship - it's base and without it you cannot build any relationship. And I do understand your husband - it does hurt a lot when closest person in the world doesn't trust you.
I would say have conversation with your husband - but not blame or fight conversation... Just open up and make him open up - about how you feel about this situation. But first assure him and you believe him and apologize for not trusting him and hurting his feeling with your doubts, then let him know why you feel insecure (what else is going on for years that you couldn't talk about) - tell him that you feel you growing apart or what ever you feel. Then tell him that you really love him and want to fix whatever issue you have, because your husband and your kids is most important things and sense of your life... I think you will get positive response and maybe your relationship will warm up after this conversation.. Don't afraid to show your real feelings..

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