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i need to know what to do- almost 2 months ago, my friend spotted my husband with another woman at a coffee shop. At first my friend thought the woman with my husband was his mother, with a new hairdo. but on inspection she realized it was not my mother in law, but a woman in her 40's. My friend said her heart was racing and she didn't know what to do, she was sure it was him. my friend told me about the incident when we saw each other at our jobs the following monday. she asked me if i knew that my husband was at the coffee shop during the day. she asked me if i knew he wasn't alone. i answered no and no, because i had been holiday shopping close to home, and my husband was at home with my children. i don't think my friend would have lied to me about this, and my husband swears it was not him. what would you do? i have never had an incident like this, but our marriage has been hurting for a long time. lacking of affection on a daily basis for years. i am confused and don't know what to do- it is really still on my mind. my friend had discussed it with me after the incident, and after i told my husband. but now avoiding me. he is adamant it wasnt him, and he is definitely mad about this, and mad at my friend. help!!!!!

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Hi- thank you for your answer to my post. My husband and i did have counseling several years ago, and it was for quite a while. 3 children, stress, life, i have been very very accepting of all the day to day stuff life brings, my children bringing me happiness. i do not know why my friend would tell me if it weren't something she thought she could be sure of.
At first i asked my children about everything and they could not remember what they did that day-
and that bothered me- then they remembered what they had done, and what dad had done several days later.
so- when you say who benefits
- my husband covering his behavior?
or my friend from telling me? i feel very strongly that my friend would not have told me if she did not believe it to be true. i dont know why my children would cover for their dad, or not know what they did when i asked them= so i am still confused. and i do appreciate your help.thanks.
Who are you married to? Is it your husband or your friend? Dont you know that your friend is jealouse of your home and helping in destroying your home? If i were to be you, i would RUN away from that kind of friend. I call them home breakers. You are driving you husband away from you by not trusting him and men don`t like it when they try to be serious and you take them for granted. Why not see the secerity in his eyes and forget about what your friend said about him. As for me, if i should see my friend`s husband with a women in an unusual place, i will walk strienght to him, excuse him with respect, and scold and advice him, i will never go telling my friend in other not to distroy her home. CURIOUSITY KILLS THE CAT.

On the other hand, if my friend walk up to me to inform me about that, i will discard what she had said and simply show more love to my husband, i will get some sexy cloths for my self to dress to kill. Make him jelouse and insicure, like that, you will see your husband running around you all the time. he will easyly forget about the other woman no mater how old you are or how young the other woman would be.

Bibianna.
I think if you look up Bibi profile you may understand more of her differences. I've thought in the past that these responses are 'urge' based. It's a shame when we have to make assumptions and decisions from fear and ignorance,mind you ignorance is just not knowing nothing else is implied. I wonder why they don't have relationship classes in school. It may not be academic,but the knowledge(or lack of it) effects your life. It would be wonderful to prepare our children for enriching relationships in all areas of their lives.
I want to thank you both for replying and for helping me with this situation. I think the Bibi person misunderstood what I was writing- as far as the friend being a homewrecker-
she was not the one that was spotted with my husband-
she is the one that did the spotting- as she was shopping with her husband 20 miles from here.
he is very angry with my friend for telling me about all of this as he still says it was impossible for it to be him- and that my friend should not have told me-
I dont think I will ever have the answer.
I think we could benefit from more counseling-
it has to be a mutual consent and desire to counsel.
we have our good days and our bad,
and i just am keeping my ears and eyes open.
so- that be said- i am working on myself-and keeping up with my kids-
and taking it a minute at a time.
thanks again for everyones replies- and talk soon.
Mrs. Childress- I respectfully have to disagree with your suggestion. Hiring a private investigator? Who would want that? That's exactly the kind of action that warrants her husband's said behavior. I'm not saying that's what caused it, I'm saying that's not going to help it.

Interestingly, I want to feel surprised but somehow I do not, as this is representative of what plagues most of today's couples and marriages.

People simply don't have the freedom to live their lives. As a result, marriages today aren't about forming perfect unions, they're psychological traps because no one can be themselves.

Does it really matter if her husband was seen talking to another woman? Does that mean he's cheating on her?

I personally think it was her husband and, if so, look at the lengths he had to take to find a little piece of himself.

I apologize if I this offends anyone, but I do not believe marriage has to feel like a trap.

We are all human, with dynamic desires and feelings, and there is simply no way we can be 'everything' to our spouses all the time. It's just impossible.

Knowing this, wouldn't it be prudent to allow our partners the latitude to pursue what makes them happiest? Aren't they better at knowing what they want "real-time" than we are? Of course.

I vow not to be a marriage statistic - I love my wife as I do my children - that means I want the best for them. That's also means recognizing I'm not the best choice for every aspect of their lives.

A lot of us can't admit that. We fool ourselves in thinking we're the best lovers, listeners, etc. We also think that because we're married to them, they owe us unwavering commitment.

If it were my situation, I'd work on being the best possible me, as that's the only thing I have control over. If I were really serious about changing my spouses behavior, I would focus on things that attracted her, not the things that run her off.

I wrote something about this. Please check it out .
I believe that I have given my husband more than enough latitude, enough latitude to have placed all of my commitments centered around his needs, and to make him happy, and to make my children happy. I have been nothing but loving, caring, and have had much patience with accepting the ins and outs the ups and downs of marriage, and I have never said that I expected it to be perfect, and I have always been a person to accept my mistakes, and to know that people make mistakes all of the time. I have known this man since I was 10. I have placed all the trust I could ever place in a relationship = into ours- this person has been my friend since I was a young girl, and has been someone that I have always wanted to love, to hold, to hug, to talk to , to be with. I have placed my heart in his hands. Therapy was something we did do, but a leopard has a hard time changing its spots was his reply to the therapist. We have had our ups and downs, and I though doubting all I have ever trusted, still am here in the home we share. I would just like to know the truth, and I am tired, and just want to move on. I do not think he would ever admit it to me, but I can see that he reminds me of the accusation of that very day, often. He speaks of my friend in a tone that makes me feel that he is mad at her for destroying our relationship. I am forgiving. I can deal with the truth. I can not stand being lied to. I can not stand, the constant reminders of the accusations whenever I bring up my friends name. There is no need for that, and though I still wonder if was him, I do not have proof, I did not witnes it with my ouwn two eyes, and I only have her word, so I just keep my ears and eyes open. I love him each and every day. I forget the painful accusations, and I wonder, only occasionally. I have lost 62 pounds since last year, I have worked hard at being attractive to him, and I have had comments from him that make me feel that he is not happy I have lost the weight = about other men checking me out- etc. I do not need to know that - or hear those comments, I just want to know that he finds me attractive, and that he loves me. I am proud of how far I have come, and how I look. I am smart, creative, dependable, and definitely a loving caring forgiving person. I discuss things with him about how I could never love another man, and if we did not exist as a married couple that I could never be with another man ever ever ever again. I am fine with myself, and with who I am. I just have known him for a long time, and know that something - is just not quite right- and for now- I take care of my children and I make sure that I am healthy and doing well.
The hyperlink didn't take. But the article is called: How An Adage Can Help Your Marriage.

http://lethercheat.com/?p=159
I will respectfully disagree with most comments here.. Because of my own experience, I can say that friends (and just people in general) not always wish you the best - even if it's your best friend.. And no need to look for the reason “Why”.. Just because it’s nature of some people - if you have something better (including relationship) some will want to come on top and get in between. And even if your relationship imperfect some people just want to mess up with you - don't ask why.. Not everything for the logical reason - it's for psychologists to analyze those people. Most comment here try to find logical reason why your friend would lie - I would say don't try... Plus where is she now? Did she stand behind her friend after doing that? If I understand correct she is now avoiding being a friend. First of all if it’s was me I would pass close by and say “Hi” to the person I knew was a husband of my best friend, so then there would be no confusion it was not him or I’m a liar etc. I would make him see me at least. On another hand I’m wondering where she was hiding in coffee shop that he didn’t see someone he knew?
There is more questions in this story – if it was your husband sitting there while you shop who was watching kinds (ask kids – they will tell you even if they little if someone else was watching them), another question – why in the world married man would go and sit in his neighborhood coffee shop with woman in the middle of the day and when his wife in town as well? Doesn’t make any sense to me..
I would say: Forget about who say what - people always speak, for centuries (don't they?) Trust is most important thing in relationship - it's base and without it you cannot build any relationship. And I do understand your husband - it does hurt a lot when closest person in the world doesn't trust you.
I would say have conversation with your husband - but not blame or fight conversation... Just open up and make him open up - about how you feel about this situation. But first assure him and you believe him and apologize for not trusting him and hurting his feeling with your doubts, then let him know why you feel insecure (what else is going on for years that you couldn't talk about) - tell him that you feel you growing apart or what ever you feel. Then tell him that you really love him and want to fix whatever issue you have, because your husband and your kids is most important things and sense of your life... I think you will get positive response and maybe your relationship will warm up after this conversation.. Don't afraid to show your real feelings..
I just want to thank you for your reply- my friend was with her husband christms shopping a the mall-
she was in line
she noticed the familiar hair- and saw him hugging and holding a woman that she thought ws my mil.
closer look- not my mil= her husband would not let her interfere.
coffee shop in a mall - 1/2 hr from where we live. my kids home, hubby supposedly home- but i was shopping in a set of stores closer to home- 10 minutes- but a lot of shopping- have told him my needs, have discussed, have reiterated, maybe shared too much- of what I need- it hurts when the closest person in the world doesnt show you any affection, and you hold your own hand at night when you fall asleep - saying to yourself- I can hold my own hand- and it feels soft, and warm, and I you wonder why- the person you have devoted so many years to= cant hold it - or hug you at least once each day- i have done nothing but shared how i feel- and now i feel hardened by much of my experience-
but everything you have said is something that i have said, tried, i have asked for forgiveness for even sharing the coffee shop spotting with him, and for even thinking it could have been him, and he brings up again and agian.
i am going to sleep now to hold my own hand------
I just wanted to make something clear that I did not state, which the clarification came up as I read mr. alessandri's post- at first my friend thought it was my mother in law- and then realized it was not my mother in law- and one of those reasons was my husband was hugging and holding the woman romantically, and she asked herself why would he be holding the woman romantically if it were his mother???
You're going to have to chalk this one up to undecided and forget about it. Coz it's his word against your friend's. Unless your husband looks as unmistakeable-stand-out-in-a-crowd like Dennis Rodman, then it's not confirmable.

I also have to stand up for Bibi. What she said was straight on, in my opinion. Ok, maybe how she wrote was a bit wonky. But you must consider something: It takes 30 seconds, to walk up to someone and say,

"Hey Joe? Joe, is that you? Oh, my mistake, you looked just like a friend of mine." and then walk away.

Or if it is (2minutes tops!):
"Hey Joe! It is you! How's it going? How're the kids? What's Rosie doing today? And who's this? Oh Hi! I'm Jane, Rosie and Joe's neighbour/friend from xxx. Nice meeting you. Have to run. my husband's holding my space. Take care!"

Why would your friend not do that for you? Her husband was there. He could have held her space in line for her if that was all too embarrassing for him. But then if she comes back to you with unreliable information, what's the point? What's her motive? (The excitement of the drama? To feel better about herself and her marriage, knowing that yours has issues? Her heart was racing?!? ) Talk about sowing seeds of miscontent.

Clearly she knows about your marital challenges and has already made up her mind that your husband is a cheater. Since you've decided to work on your marriage (therapy, losing weight, etc), is this really the type of friend you want 'supporting' you? It's all about trust: Who do you trust more? And you should defintely be answering MY HUBBY here.
Btw, congrats on losing the weight!
Keep on making him feel loved and trusted and that you've chosen him and you want to be with him, and you'll do just fine.
Stop this already. You have no choice but to believe your husband (and children). If he is seeing another women then sooner or later you will find out. These things are very sloppy and clues will be left or it will just smack you in the face. So now that you are suspicious just keep your eyes open.

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Hitched Podcast

Episode 470: Taking Information Out of Context

It's not uncommon for a piece of information about marriage to get taken out of context in order to construct an argument whether it's true or not. Dr. Karen Sherman weighs in on a few of these out-of-context arguments.

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