Ready to give up!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Keith King on September 23, 2009 at 9:08am

This is a tough situation, older men can sometimes lose interest in sex and it is all mental. My belief is that everything is mental and can be overcame. There was a 65 year old man that use to work for me and to tell you the truth, sex is all that old man use to talk about. Somebody's mind set determines what he or she does and is capable of doing. When I eighteen and weighed 140 pounds soak and wet I was able to lift and move objects up to three times my weight, yet guys weighing more and having bigger build than me couldn't do the same or half of what I was capable of doing. My thought has always been that they just didn't want to do it for one or more reasons. The key here is to have him want to have sex more often. I know it sounds simple and you've tried everything that you can think of. There are a dozen books that cover this topic and I'm sure you've probably read what you could find. One of my favorite books on this is "The Sex-Starved Wife" by Michele Weiner Davis, and to tell you the truth this book is more universal than you may think. There can be so many different reasons why he is or seems to be lacking interest. Although men experience low sexual desire for a variety of reasons, sexual difficulties are one of the most common causes. Almost 30 percent of men have persistent problems with climaxing too early or have difficulty achieving erections. It's easy to understand why a man would avoid sex if he associates it with failure. Or perhaps you feel certain that sexual desire isn't the problem; the problem has to do with his lack of desire for you. He may be involved with pornography — both online and offline — and you simply can't fathom why he would be masturbating rather than making love to you. You want to know how to get your husband to stop putting energy into his self-interests and focus on you and your marriage. So many things that could be going on, but no matter what it is...there is an answer. If you have not read "The Sex-Starved Wife", please do, and if you have go back over chapter eleven or refer to Part IV, it provides you with lots of additional helpful resources to help you and your husband achieve the results for which you are hoping. It includes self-help books, methods for finding qualified sex therapists, and useful online resources. Good luck and I wish you the best.

P.S. Knowledge is your friend, learn what you can when you can. If you can't find the information you were looking for, keep looking....you never know what you might find.

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Permalink Reply by Lea B. on September 23, 2009 at 10:56am

I probably should have stated that we are not that old my husband is only 41 and I am only 37, we should be having great sex at this time in our lives!!!. I will try the book you suggested it is actually one I have not read yet. Thanks

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Permalink Reply by Keith King on September 24, 2009 at 6:08am

No Problem, I wish you the best.

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Permalink Reply by marco zertuche on September 25, 2009 at 11:06pm

Well I must say that I strongly disagree with this age thing being a factor. U c I am 44 and my wife is 29 and until all this stupidity came up we were on each other at least 3 to 4 days a week. Now sad to say that I am not feeling our situation. But we were like teenagers in heat. So maybe for some relationships age may come into play. There is only a 4 yr difference between u. It could be that he is feeling the hum-drums or something. I cant call it but if u r willing to keep trying then try a ptcher of margaritas and a soft adult type movie or something

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Permalink Reply by Dawn on October 18, 2009 at 8:08pm

I am undergoing the same thing right now and I am so thankful to see this post that I can relate to. My husband and I are both 40 and lately he either can't hold an erection or have an erection. This year, though, after 10 years of marriage, we have had our first fights and had to seek counselling because of him suddenly trying to be some kind of stud with other women. I think the experience has left him feeling like a failure and less than a man, two things he complains about repeatedly.

Do you think your husband is going through a mid-life crisis? I have been told that my husband is.

Hope you guys can work this out.

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Permalink Reply by Brandie Prine on September 24, 2009 at 4:16pm

Does he or has he started taking blood pressure medicine? That will certainly make him lose his drive. I'm on it and it effects me that way. I got that way with my husband several years ago and I felt so bad because I just didn't want to have sex. I had gained weight after having my second kid and I think the weight had allot to do with it because once I got back down and started exercising I felt sexier than ever and it was on.....Has your husband gained any weight recently, although I don't know if that bothers men like it does women.

Was your sex life going good and then all of a sudden it just stopped?

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Permalink Reply by Brandie Prine on September 25, 2009 at 7:58am

Alrighty Keith King, I'm new to this site and have noticed you give great advice to many people. Where is your advice on my problem? I think it is a shame that so many people are getting involved with porn. While it seems so great in the beginning, it seems to be tearing allot of marriages apart. People say its harmless, I disagree.

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Permalink Reply by Keith King on September 25, 2009 at 3:06pm

I'm also new here and thank you on the compliment. Porn can be a problem for some. To some it's offensive, and for others it's alright but it depends on the person and there should always be respect for your mate when it comes to such a touchy subject. It can turn ugly when abuse of porn becomes over obsessive, this is a problem and an addiction (Therefore, it must be treated as such if things get that bad). Personally there is nothing that comes close to the real thing and the connection that is made when two people are making love. This connection is what makes sex so great, it gives you the feeling of being loved and giving love all at the same time. Men and women look at sex from different points of view and feel differently when it comes down to engaging in intercourse. They say men are aroused visually and women mentally, and honestly I believe it boils down to both men and women needing the mental aspect of arousal. The thought process is where we all differ from each other. What we are taught through out our lives is what has been passed down from generation to generation...father to son, mother to daughter. Those of us that had no parents or couldn't talk to their parents, learned what we could from peers of the same sex. What's right or wrong is up to the person and what they believe, but this goes back to what I said earlier. Respect your mate and help your mate understand that you need the same respect from them. This is never an easy conversation for either party involved. It's a give and take situation that could end up being very hard to deal with. Like a drug addition, the person that is hooked will only see what they are willing to see.

"Porn addiction is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. Millions of people around the world struggle with overcoming this powerful vice once they acknowledge they have a problem. Its been compared to cocaine addiction because of similar neurochemical activity in the brain." quoted from New Life Habits a site dedicated to Porn, masturbation, and Sexual Addiction Help. If your interested go to http://newlifehabits.com/

I Hope this was helpful.

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Permalink Reply by Dawn on October 18, 2009 at 8:14pm

Too much porn is certainly affecting my marriage! My husband seems obsessed with online porn. He gets home before I do and I know (yes, I know) that he visits several sites before I get home and then some more before going to bed. It never used to bother me as much before, but sometimes he neglects everything else for it. When I get into our bedroom, he quickly tries to close the site (of course I've already seen it, though) and act like he wasn't doing anything. He's not buying anything, just surfing, but it's gotten out of hand and is really annoying.

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Permalink Reply by Andrea Firpo on October 13, 2009 at 6:25am

Dear Lea:

I have a husband who says that this is how all marriages are, we just aren't talking about it. He asks me not to take it personally. He says there is no one else. We have been to therapy where he told our couples therapist that there is nothing new to discover with me. The passion and romance is gone for him. He considers me his partner and companion. The kisses I receive are just the obligated ones when he leaves me or returns home. I have tried everything as well.... trust me, everything, including sex parties, polyamory, and allowing him to have a girlfriend to see if that would stir things up (first I tried books... we all do!). I agree, if you are a woman who wants and needs the security and closeness from your partner (as we all do) and really enjoy the sex in your relationship, this is very difficult to manage.

By the way, he is 41 and I am almost 36. I would say this has been happening for at least 2 years at this stage, but progressively since we have been together for 10 years.

So, I don't think it is you. I agree it is him. He doesn't feel sexy anymore and his appetite is gone. Part of that is chemistry, part of that is effort. At least you have the fact that he is not cheating on you, but maybe that isn't enough. Do you feel you deserve better? I know I feel like I do sometimes but my husband is the love of my life, he isn't abusing me, and people aren't perfect. He admits to being lazy. he has moments of trying harder, but all in all, he isn't all that into it.

Now mind you I model for a living, and I was a stripper when my husband met me, so looks and body type are not an issue. Most people think he is crazy. I think he is just used to me and what he has. I no longer wow him like I used to.

I have come to the realization lately that life is all a matter of perception. If you feel like you are missing something, and that is the only thing you can concentrate on, you are missing something. If you truly realize everything you have (and that you just aren't getting everything you want but nobody is) and enjoy everything you have, well, it alters your perception in the positive.

My marriage is a trade. It is arranged. Society has had arranged marriages for 100's of years, and just because TV drama makes it out that it should be better doesn't mean it always is. My therapist says we are not alone. She has seen it all. I don't know if that comforts me, but I do consider it. I still remember my grandmother sleeping in seperate beds from her husband, and my mother sleeps on the couch in front of the TV more often than with my dad. So maybe my therapist is right.

Maybe it is a matter of perception for you as well. It is a tremendous feeling of loss to accept that, true, but maybe it is the truth that frightens you (as it does me).

Good Luck to you.

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Permalink Reply by Dawn on October 18, 2009 at 8:48pm

So what do we do about all this erectile dysfunction? Sex is a natural part of life and other than when I had lost my drive after I had children, my husband and I have always had sex. We love each other's bodies. Now he has put on a lot of weight and is depressed all the time. He can't hold an erection or can't have one sometimes. We are both frustrated -- well I know I am all the time. We are both almost 40 and he says it's stress and weight-related. I thought I'd be having sex for the next 20+ more years but it may not happen?

As young women, what do we do about this?? I don't plan to stop having sex for the rest of my life.

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Permalink Reply by John 10 hours ago

Funny as a man I have the opposite problem and have for a long time. I am attractive & sexually active. Although my wife has gotten better, it still seems like I have to almost force her to have sex. Not very fulfilling when you feel like you are forcing yourself on someone. I can at lease sympathize

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