Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.
hi,
My wife and I have been married since 2004 and have known each other other since 2001. We're from Australia but we have been living in Canada for a few years and just moved to New York City 6 months ago. Both professionals in separate fields.
2 weeks ago she came to me and said she'd had enough as she wasn't as happy as she could be. She wants to separate and as she thinks we want different things in our lives and we don't want to go in the same direction.
I have been heartbroken and an absolute mess until I picked up a pen and wrote her a letter in which I mentioned I agreed we lost our spark in the past 2 years, we don't have sex much at all (I'm 29 she is 28), we have our own friends and we just don't bounce off each other like we once did.
I begged her for days to give it another go and for us to to get "us" back but she refused over and over. The first time she cried was when she read my letter as she finally knew I GOT IT. But she still hasn't given in to fixing it. The worst thing is we had planned to go on vacation up to Canada to see old friends this week and I decided it wasn't a good idea to go if she wanted to end it all. So here I am alone in New York City wondering what she's doing each and every minute of the day as she visits her friends in Canada
After looking for answers everywhere I came across this website ( http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documenti... ) which explains in all like it was written for us!! We're in a "Marriage Rut" and I now need to work out how to get past her stubborn attitude towards all this and show her where we at in our marriage and we can to save this and get over this hurdle.
How do I do this??? She returns to NY next Monday (Feb 2) and I know if I present her with a website and/or a printout she will just be stubborn and not read it or won't give it a chance. I booked a ticket back to Australia for the day BEFORE she returns and I told her this. I don't want to go back and have pretty much decided I will cancel this ticket. Will she call and tell me not to go back to Australia???? Probably not because she's stubborn and when she makes up her mind she sticks by it.. and this is another reason why I truly love her.
I know this can be saved. We were "fine" before this. We just need to get what we had back.. "US".
Help!
My wife and I have been married since 2004 and have known each other other since 2001. We're from Australia but we have been living in Canada for a few years and just moved to New York City 6 months ago. Both professionals in separate fields.
2 weeks ago she came to me and said she'd had enough as she wasn't as happy as she could be. She wants to separate and as she thinks we want different things in our lives and we don't want to go in the same direction.
I have been heartbroken and an absolute mess until I picked up a pen and wrote her a letter in which I mentioned I agreed we lost our spark in the past 2 years, we don't have sex much at all (I'm 29 she is 28), we have our own friends and we just don't bounce off each other like we once did.
I begged her for days to give it another go and for us to to get "us" back but she refused over and over. The first time she cried was when she read my letter as she finally knew I GOT IT. But she still hasn't given in to fixing it. The worst thing is we had planned to go on vacation up to Canada to see old friends this week and I decided it wasn't a good idea to go if she wanted to end it all. So here I am alone in New York City wondering what she's doing each and every minute of the day as she visits her friends in Canada
After looking for answers everywhere I came across this website ( http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documenti... ) which explains in all like it was written for us!! We're in a "Marriage Rut" and I now need to work out how to get past her stubborn attitude towards all this and show her where we at in our marriage and we can to save this and get over this hurdle.
How do I do this??? She returns to NY next Monday (Feb 2) and I know if I present her with a website and/or a printout she will just be stubborn and not read it or won't give it a chance. I booked a ticket back to Australia for the day BEFORE she returns and I told her this. I don't want to go back and have pretty much decided I will cancel this ticket. Will she call and tell me not to go back to Australia???? Probably not because she's stubborn and when she makes up her mind she sticks by it.. and this is another reason why I truly love her.
I know this can be saved. We were "fine" before this. We just need to get what we had back.. "US".
Help!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Oz1979 on
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I also read this article which I've love to show here too...
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmproblems/0,,saver_9m1s,00.html
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A Big thing for us was to come to NY because it was a dream of ours although I think we've both realized this isn't the place we thought it would be. No friends, no family, tiny apartment etc...
She just finished her Masters (she has studied ever since we met, now she has alot of time on her hands), her granddad is very ill in Australia, her job is slow, its sooo cold here and we don't go out much, last month she just had a cancer scare and required an operation, her parents have never liked me for taking her overseas,... so much is happening in her live at moment and I need to be by her side to help her.
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Permalink Reply by hitched on
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Hi Oz:
Thank you for reaching out. I'm very sorry to hear about your current situation. You're not alone feeling like you're in a marriage rut. Dr. Karen Sherman wrote an article for us a while back that addresses this exact issue. The article is called "Marriage in a Rut?". Here's the link: http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=347
In the article she addresses issues of communication and intimacy (emotional and physical). I hope this article offers a few solutions. From the sounds of your situation, which includes a new home, new city (new country!), new job, recently graduated, health scare...that their is a lot of change going on in your lives. With so much taking place it's easy to lose focus on each other. I'm sure I won't be the first to recommend this, but I think seeing a marriage counselor would be a good first start.
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We spoke over the phone last night for the first time in almost a week.
She asked how I was doing and what was happening with my move to australia. I mentioned the above link in my original post speaking of us being in a Rut which can be fixed. I also added I was afraid of showing her this as I knew how strong she was on breaking this 8 year relationship off. She then proceeded in saying STOP ALL THIS, ITS OVER. she is so strong at the moment and I can only think she is getting this from her girlfriends in Canada.
This is the first time I've ever started to feel hate towards her... ever!! I hate what she has done over the past 2 weeks to kill off everything we had. It scares me to think someone can just switch off like this after so many years of great times.
It's over, I now need to move on.
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Hi. I hate to say this, spent some time living in Canada, but a woman getting a divorce in Canada can be quite bad for you. My spouse is Canada and Imoved there and I came back to the US. We at one time field for divorce, he did and then stopped it. He realized he would lose, A canadian or us order can be filed and enforced in either country. I had an ex who fled there once and I got more money in arrears, over 60 per of his income. no joke.
It sounds to me she has made up her mind. Depending on the province she is in you may both qualify for govt funded marriage counseling. Offer that as a last resort. I am sorry you came to a new country for it to end this way.
My ex, my first husband and I went through and abuse, his end, and he finally agreed to counseling. My current husband did not and I moved back to the US.
the end of a long marriage is tough. especially if your whole world was the marriage. some ppls marriages are not that. take some time to go meditate on this, pray to god and he mayjust give you your answers.
god bless
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