My husband and I had a great relationship until 4 months ago. I got a rumor from my parents (he has co-workers that live in my hometown-its very small so gossip is the usual) that my husband was flirting/spending time with a co-worker. I had never heard her name before (she worked with him for 3 years!) but he said he had to text her for work related issues and I quote "I do not commuincate with her in regards to anything that is not work related"...so I tried to let it go-but found pictures of her in his phone, fake business cards he made for her at home when I was at work, ect. More and more. I was under the impression that she was the aggressor or it was mutual. If that was the case, I could be more understanding that here is a very attractive woman giving him attention-that he would flirt back, ect. I texted her questioning their relationship and now I am under the impression that he was being creepy with her and she has a boyfriend, ect.
We fight about this every night. I can't get over the hurt-the lies the betrayal. I want to stay with him but I have changed and he has changed since this. He feels like he has done nothing wrong and that he doesn't even know how the rumor started. (Gee-maybe some of your co-workers saw you come into work like a 10 year old boy with a crush giving this woman drawings, ect) I just want to move on and go back to normal but I am contstantly finding things that he just conviently forgets to tell me about. The trust is almost non-existant at this point. He wants to go to counseling but I am afraid that won't work and then what? We are left with no options. :(
If you have children together, then I would say that counseling would be a very good place to start so you can work on your relationship for the children's sake.
If you do not have children together and you haven't been married that long, then I would suggest a seperation for you to sort through your feelings.
I wrote this in another forum but I believe it applies to your situation as well.
The first point that I will make is that it is my opinion that many couples, today, don’t have the level of commitment that fortifies a marriage. A marriage is an entity all into itself requiring nurturing and maintenance. The two people in the relationship are the caregivers who are required to attend to those things that keep the relationship strong and healthy. When there is no commitment to do this, then the relationship diminishes and it becomes easier, and maybe necessary to walk away.
You say you want to stay, but you don’t say why. Can you answer that for yourself? Not for others, but for yourself. Couples who are committed to the relationship have ongoing discussions about how to maintain and nurture the relationship. They discuss those things that are bothersome. They discuss those things that are working just fine. They discuss problems and issues, they discuss enjoyment and satisfaction. When a relationship operates within this framework, you are able to address things that could be potential problems.
And then the issue of Trust is probably the most important element outside of Communication. When you trust someone, you know why. You don’t trust just because “he’s my husband”; you trust because he has demonstrated that he is trust worthy. And when behavior skews the trust, it becomes necessary for adults who truly care about each other to discuss how to get trust back in its rightful place.
I suggest opening up a real dialogue that first addresses both person’s commitment to each other and commitment to the relationship. If that commitment is there, then I would recommend that you both make a commitment to open, honest communication. It doesn’t mean the problem will be solved, it only means that both parties are willing to put it all of the table. And sometimes that’s what it takes to fix real issues that mask themselves as something else.
I will also suggest that you go to www.SoulVisionTV and download “The Marriage Contract”. It will give you some insight about commitment and communication in marriage. Once you have watched the movie, watch it a second time with your husband, and see if you can open up the lines of communication that will move you closer to a more committed relationship.
Sorry for that. Marriage is full of so many challenges, this is one part of it. But mind you, is not good to be having 3rd part into a marital life. First and foremost, the information got to you through your parent as a rumor, right? I want to tell you that you have to forgive your husband, accept him and understand that he got carried away because the hour he spent in the office is much more that the hour he spent at home with you. The more any man is attached to any lady and the time that they spent together right there in the office, will make him to be attached to any lady temptation. This is where you should come in. You suppose to be calling you husband time to time, tell him all source of romantic word send romantic text messages. With this action he will be attached to you every time. But what really happen know is that you need to let your husband know that is not his fault but yours, tell him that the “SECRET SIN can never take him anywhere GOD love sinner that repent from there sin”. And mind you, don’t handle him as if it was his fault. You need to apologize and please don’t fight him again because the DEVIL will like to steal your joy and your joy is your husband. DEVIL come to Steal, Kill and to Destroy. Please don’t let him do that to your family. I have a lot to tell you. Am Lawrence Olumide from Nigeria. You can reach me on +234-8055076837, firstname.lastname@example.org
Sorry to hear about your pain but things cannot return to "normal" at this time. Based on the little you have shared, it seems that your husband has had a serious issue with setting appropriate boundaries between him and another woman. The fact that he has lied to you, shows that at some level, he's quite aware that what he has been doing has been inappropriate. If not why would he need to hide or pretend? So I don't believe that he really "feels he has done nothing wrong"; he's probably just not ready emotionally to admit to it. This lack of honesty on his part makes this doubly painful I'm sure.
I'm also sure that in your mind you're probably wondering to what level this friendship has truly gone. This fear and uncertainty will make matters worse. This needs therefore to be also clarified; which means complete honesty on his part. So is your relationship doomed? Not by a long shot. What you have going for you is the fact that he wants to seek counseling. Don't discredit this but embrace it. A dispassionate third party may be able to help both of you see why this happened in the first place. Counseling would hopefully provide the forum where you both can explore together the question of boundaries and expectations in the relationship.
Sometimes men react like this to women in a work setting because there is an unmet emotional need. This also needs to be explored. This, however, does not mean that this incident is your fault. Do NOT accept responsibility for your husband's lack of discipline; the fact that he lied and hid things from you is indicative of his own guilt and weakness. The relationship cannot move on until he acknowledges this; or else this behavior may be repeated in the future. This is where the counseling can be useful. So seize that opportunity with both hands and be clear in outlining to your husband what your expectations are re his fidelity; emotional and sexual. Some men con themselves into believing that as long as there has been no sex, then no harm has been done but we know that emotional affairs are also dangerous to a marriage. He needs therefore to understand that if your relationship is to be salvaged, then he must acknowledge that his behavior and this incident IS a big deal which needs urgent attention. That means complete openness and honesty. Don't settle for less. I wish you all the best.