Just married and feel like im drowning.
I got married 6 weeks ago to a guy who I met while on mission in Macedonia in 2005. Hes Macedonian and im british, we've been in a long distance relatioship for 18 months before we got married, both our families were heavily involved in the decision making process and we've both been supported loved and challenged by our churches. We're of different ages, different cultures and are very different people but we both thought that this was really what God wanted. The last 10 months have been horrible my hubby had 3 strokes (aged 21, and im 27) and nearly died, we've had to deal with the repurcussions over the distance and the financial implications, we had to fight to get married legally in Macedonia, go through visa interviews to get him to uk, were in a motorbike accident and now we're finally here in the uk. Its been a horrible year but thru it all ive known that Gods been there.
But everythings changed, i understand he is going through culture shock and I know he loves me and wants to be with me but hes not interested in sex, hates kissing, wont hold my hand, cant look me in the eye and tell me he loves me, and doesnt want to spend time with me. He just wants to eat, sleep and play on the internet. If he has a bad day he will ignore me completely even infront of my parents, the longest this has lasted for is 3 days.
I have several questions.
How can I support him, build him up, show him that I respect him even tho it was my flat originally and im the one earning the money?
Im scared that Im not going to be me at the end of this because i dont feel loved, supported or even wanted. How do I put my insecurities aside? or help him realise that he may be younger than me but I still need him to be my man?
I feel like we've lost the ability to communicate n everythings broken down. hes not the same guy i married.
Hes brought up to be in the centre of a community village and hes not in that anymore and it just shows how self centered he is. At what point will he start thinking about me? his life is always better or worse than mine. Nothing i say or do is valid. Every arguement or squabble is my fault, he cant apologise and i feel permanently guilty for not being the perfect wife. He moans about me on skype to his parents and they now hate me and think he should go back to macedonia.
My friends are worried about me and think he needs to 'man up'.
Hes job hunting but has no qualifications and only wants to work for maybe 10 hours a week. I work for a church as a childrens and families worker and I work hard. He has no stamina or motivation.
Im scared that this is my life, him in one room me in another, me working him sittting on the internet all day.
Hes got really negative and keeps saying 'lifes a b...h' his experience is of bad things and he expects it now. Im the only good thing apparently and he treats me rubbish. Hes struggling with God.
Any advice? Im not strong enough Ive been through so much to and im just exhausted, all I can do is pray that God will work in us both.
Thanks
ps sorry about the essay
But everythings changed, i understand he is going through culture shock and I know he loves me and wants to be with me but hes not interested in sex, hates kissing, wont hold my hand, cant look me in the eye and tell me he loves me, and doesnt want to spend time with me. He just wants to eat, sleep and play on the internet. If he has a bad day he will ignore me completely even infront of my parents, the longest this has lasted for is 3 days.
I have several questions.
How can I support him, build him up, show him that I respect him even tho it was my flat originally and im the one earning the money?
Im scared that Im not going to be me at the end of this because i dont feel loved, supported or even wanted. How do I put my insecurities aside? or help him realise that he may be younger than me but I still need him to be my man?
I feel like we've lost the ability to communicate n everythings broken down. hes not the same guy i married.
Hes brought up to be in the centre of a community village and hes not in that anymore and it just shows how self centered he is. At what point will he start thinking about me? his life is always better or worse than mine. Nothing i say or do is valid. Every arguement or squabble is my fault, he cant apologise and i feel permanently guilty for not being the perfect wife. He moans about me on skype to his parents and they now hate me and think he should go back to macedonia.
My friends are worried about me and think he needs to 'man up'.
Hes job hunting but has no qualifications and only wants to work for maybe 10 hours a week. I work for a church as a childrens and families worker and I work hard. He has no stamina or motivation.
Im scared that this is my life, him in one room me in another, me working him sittting on the internet all day.
Hes got really negative and keeps saying 'lifes a b...h' his experience is of bad things and he expects it now. Im the only good thing apparently and he treats me rubbish. Hes struggling with God.
Any advice? Im not strong enough Ive been through so much to and im just exhausted, all I can do is pray that God will work in us both.
Thanks
ps sorry about the essay
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Paul Curd on -
Hello Ms. Penevska,
Several things struck me as I read your post. You mentioned that your husband has changed. The possible reasons for changes in his presentation are many and you mentioned several.
One of these could be the strokes. Depending on where in the brain these took place and the severity, even minor damage in the brain can cause changes in perspective and in personality. Fortunately our brains were created with an amazing ability to heal. It does take time though. Additionally, any medications he is on related to the strokes could also impact his presentation and disposition. However, don’t change any medications without consulting his Doctor.
Another factor is the dramatic amount of change in his life in the last year. He has married, changed countries, cultures, moved far from his family and what is familiar, and had to adjust to the idea of something in his brain not working quite right. All of these are huge changes, especially the last one, especially to take on all at once. For some men, it is also very difficult to allow their spouse to do the financial providing. Not that it has to, but it can lead to feelings of being ineffective or un-needed.
It also sounds as if he may be experiencing some symptoms of depression. If he is willing, finding a Christian counselor he could talk to that could integrate his faith, his walk with God right now, and the issues he is dealing with could be very helpful. It could be something that you would find very helpful as well and could benefit your marriage. And remember that if he is experiencing depression or difficulties with all the changes, it does not necessarily reflect on you and whether or not you are a good wife.
As far as what you can do to help, probably just be there. Keep loving him. Don’t push him to get better or nag. But certainly talk openly as opportunities are available.
Keep in mind I’m speaking in general terms here because I do not know you or your husband, but hopefully these observations will be helpful.
Stay close to your church and those supporting you, seek wise counsel, and continue seeking God in all of this.
Our prayers will be with you both.
Paul
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Permalink Reply by MARO AKPA on -
hello jo,
I sympathise with you on your situation,.one of the factors you failed to consider was the age difference between both of you,and that explains why you are out working and he is playing on the internet.you must also consider the fact that at 21 years of age, he is still a child at heart so he may not understand the part he is to play as a marrried man.
Your husband may be suffering from depression as aresult of his illness,you both need to see a counsellor to enable you manage his mood swings,and go through the challenge.you have to keep praying for him ,asking God to heal him ..post love messages around your house to show that you love him and be patient with him.you should also encourage him to get an education .whatever u do always remember God can change your situation for good.
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Permalink Reply by valerie williams on
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let me be blunt this guy is a loser he is lazy selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings it also sounds like he is addicted to the internet .what does he see on the internet .that may be part of the problem does he have poor health .three strokes .wow normally i would feel bad for him .but from what you wrote .i cant help but hope he has another one .it sounds like he is a spoiled little brat ..you mention that this is what god wanted for you both but that his parents hate you. sorry .im not seeing god in this marriage i have to say you are getting screwed without getting kissed literally .since your paying for everything else why dont you spring for a plane or bus ticket and send this cling on back to macadonia.i suggest you make it a one way trip .you sound like a loving person .its more than unfortunate you got stuck with a worm.what else can i say ive never met the guy and i cant stand him .you mention he ignores you even in front of your parents.how do they feel about this .hes lucky hes not my son in law .in the meantime while considering youre options get a restraining order on him.before it gets physically violent .and take my word for it if it hasent already it will .he doesent need to man up .he needs to get lost .NOW.please keep me posted as i am interested on knowing the outcome one last thought not once did you mention loving him in your post.why did anyone think this was the perfect relationship .im confused .you were in macedonia on a religious mission not a let me hook up with the first jerk i meet mission .get out while you still can.
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Permalink Reply by Jo Penevska on
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Hey Guys,
Thank you for your support and comments they were good to read and have valid points. Im not sure what happened but this week has been the best we've had. Its a bit like a switch flicked. We've talked through lots of stuff, joked continuously and made progress with the jobs/housing search. Hes more attentive and has been helping out round the house. He says he feels like adjusting to the UK and seems much more like himself and is going out with my mates on his own when im at work and has signed up for some volunteer stuff. I feel like we've had a big break through. I know there'll be hard times to come but I feel like we dont just exist in the same house but actually have a relationship and a life together. I feel excited and encouraged that we can work things through. Things had got relly dire but im glad things seem more stable between us.
He has hospital tests this week to seek long term treatment for his heart. I agree about the depression tendencies. They dont seem to be apparent all the time but definately when something bad happens. He lives under fear and when someone he loves gets sick then he retreats completely. We've talked about this and hes gonna try and be civil rather than shut me out.
Valerie, I love him more than I could ever put him into words and I know he feels the same. Hes not and never will be all those things you described. Hes just struggling with so much change and neither of us have handled it that way. I felt so lost within it all that I was desperate enough to write the above. Ultimately we've been married for 7 weeks, its early days and marriage takes working at, we made a covenat before God and its one we both intend to keep. I have my fears about our relationship but my last relationship was abusive but Ive not said anything on here that Ive not said to him. I know hes a good guy and thats why I was asking questions about how to support him and encourage him. Hes my man and I want him to be happy!
Thanks for the comments and the encouragement guys
Jo
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Permalink Reply by valerie williams on
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good luck i really hope the best for you.
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Permalink Reply by Paul Curd on
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Ms. Penevska,
I am very glad to hear that things are improving. I have worked with a few couples with age differences in the past and while it can be an issue, it does not have to be. My wife and I can agree from personal experience that health challenges can also be one of the most difficult, but they too can be overcome with God's help. And as you said, "marriage takes working at," and that won't ever change. But the rewards can be well worth the work.
Take care,
Paul
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Permalink Reply by MARO AKPA on
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Hello jo, thank God things are brightening up between you two.i want you to know that marriage comes with its challanges so u must work hard with prayers to overcome,when it comes.my prayers are with you both and i hope you can work things out for the better.goodluck.
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Permalink Reply by Over Sixty on
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Hi Jo,
So glad to hear your situation is a bit improved. Some of the responses you have already gotten are so excellent. I can't really add much to them, but I will reiterate one point, your husband is quite young and that itself is no small problem. At that age men are still so far behind in maturation. You're really looking at several years before he will be close to where you are now. When you add the other factors of cultures, religion and changing countries it's pretty daunting. Plus his health! Oh my goodness!!!!
Work hard at your relationship, but do not become a rug. Do seek professional advice if it get oppressive again.
Best of luck to you and sending prayers for you both.
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Episode 98: Get Your Marriage Out of the Fight Club
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