Its Over

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. RAD888 on January 18, 2009 at 12:00pm

I've been divorced in the past, and it seemed to me that the hardest part was actually making the decision to leave and end the marriage. It will be hard in the beginning, but each day gets easier.
Just keep in mind that lots of guys, even the ones who are miserable in their relationships, have a problem when the woman is the one who decides to end things. He may decide that he doesn't want to get divorced after all, and you may decide to take him back, but just make sure you are 100% that is what you want, and not that he is manipulating you.
Be strong!

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Permalink Reply by Dina on January 19, 2009 at 7:28pm

It is hard, but its all I think about. He says at this point that he doesn't care what I do, and I know that. Being that the real-estate market is horrible right now I will wait to sell my house, most likely file for divorce n the meantime. He told me that he refuses to pay alimony but in New Jersey its mandatory, and that he will have absolutely nothing to do with me once its over. I told him its impossible we have 2 grown children and we will run into each other from time to time. I thought about this long and hard for at least 6 years and unhappy for 10.

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on January 18, 2009 at 3:32pm

Dina,

I can only deduce from your post that your husband must have been somewhat of a good man for you to remain married to him for 25 years. If the issues have only arisen recently with your husband stating that he cannot wait for you to go, what are YOU doing that he would want you to NOT go? Are you doing everything you can to ensure YOU "rock" his world? Are YOU someone that your husband is proud to call his wife? Do YOU focus in on his needs and feelings, both sexually and personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like your hero? Are YOU treating him with the love, kindness, respect and attention he needs? Generally, a man getting all of the above would NOT want you to go. I want to stress here that I am NOT excusing your husband's behavior nor saying that you are in some way to blame for his lack of emotion or insensitivity. It’s about looking at what’s going on in your marriage that may have lend a hand for this to happen. Twenty-five years is a HUGE marriage investment. Seek out a good counselor who can give you and your husband some insight on the issues that have driven you two apart and then commit to work on them.

Sylvia

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Permalink Reply by Dina on January 19, 2009 at 7:21pm

Sylvia,

Thank you for your response. It has been 25 years but, I stayed for the kids. For the past 7 -10 years I have been un happy. He is verbally abusive insensitive and he actually said I don't desire you, not interested and no one wants me. I know better. What is keeping me is finance. If I can really afford to be out on my own. I would love to.

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. Childress on January 20, 2009 at 7:27pm

Dina,

Your profile indicates you are in New Jersey. I don't know New Jersey law but I would encourage you to seek a good family law attorney in your state. You would be, more than likely, entitled to some sort of spousal support, which would enable you to be on your own. Mind you, it may not be at the same marital standard of living that you currently enjoy, but would be enough to buy your peace and sanity, and that of your children if they still reside at home. Also, if there is a disparity between your and your husband's income, that attorney may be able to seek an award of attorney's fees from your husband. Money is not a good enough reason to endure such abuse. If your children are privy to how your husband treats you, I can bet they have little to no respect for you, and may even carry some resentment, because you have "allowed" this man to continually mistreat you. Yes, it going to be difficult, stepping out on faith to begin to take care of you, after all these years, but I have faith in YOU that you can do it. When that day does come, you are going to look back and wonder: "Why didn't I do it sooner?" I don't know if you are a reader but I would like to make a reading suggestion: "Redemptive Divorce" by Mark Gaither.

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Permalink Reply by Kenny on February 2, 2009 at 1:59pm

Try FamilyLife for some more answers.

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Permalink Reply by Mi on March 20, 2009 at 3:49pm

When I choose to get divorced I was under the same finance rock you are looking at. In the end the struggle it takes to make end meet is nothing compaired to the emotional and mental abuse. You can stay untill thing are better or you can leave and make them better for yourself. It's hard,but the work affirms your worthiness as a person and more so as a parent!!! The world is waiting for you and life is short. It is time you see your dream of happiness realized.....by you!!! Go Get Em!~!!!

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Permalink Reply by Bibi on March 12, 2009 at 7:16am

Yours is good, if only i can increase my sex life, i will not be scared of loosing my husband to other women some day. make your husband jelous and insicure by dresing more sexy, go outting alone and starve him with sex, you will see him begging for you to stay with him. Check out the woman he is with, find out her secret on how she got you husband hooked up. Do thesame to get your man back, get you hair do, go to the beautisians to get a tourch on your make ups, get your finger done. Even if your husband does not want you anymore, you will get other men who will appreciate the creation of God in you.

Bibianna.

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Permalink Reply by Mi on March 20, 2009 at 3:53pm

I don't agree. It's not what men are seeing or not seeing in you,it's what you believe about yourself. We are all imperfect,but we all are imperfect,understand? No one guy has and is everything and no one woman is either. We must accept ourselves so we can really understand our strengths and weekness' and work on each accordingly. It's no ones judgement except our own that matters. Yes?

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