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I have been with my S.O now for almost 20 years, and our relationship is pretty good, I would say. We have had some stresses lately, I have told myself it is because we are both going through a bit of MLC (he bought the corvette etc.) and that things will brighten up.

My relationship with his parents has gone through some rocky spells over the years. The S.O is not able to set any boundaries with his parents, and over time, the relationship deteriorated because I always felt he was taking their side over mine. There was a 2 year period about 6 years ago where I did not speak to his mother at all because she was constantly acting out and doing things that pushed my buttons, and he did not have the balls to stand up to her and ask her to stop - she was already ill at this time and it was her trump card. Over the last few years, with a bit of counselling, we did establish a relationship again, but it was always a bit tense.

This week, his mom died (not unexpectedly). When he got the call from his dad that she had been rushed to the hospital, he said he wanted to go without me. The next day I still hadn't heard from him or anyone in the family, so I drove to their house (2 hours) to see what was going on - she had already died. I stayed for a while, but felt an awkward vibe being there - I wasn't sure what to do, asked my husband if I should stay, he didn't really answer so I left - I figured if they wanted me there, they would have called me. I was upset that I had been excluded, confided in an aunt (MIL's sister in law) who went right over and told this to my S.O.

The next day he called and was angry that I was upset (not something he should have heard, his aunt is a total jackass) I told him I didn't want to discuss right now, and we should focus on his mom, his aunt shouldn't have told him this etc. He told me I was excluded because he wanted to be with family at that time - not me.

After 20 years, this really hurt my feelings. Even if his mom and I didn't get along, I would like to believe that I am his "family" and that having me at his side would be some sort of comfort to him.

Some other small stresses happened during the events to make matters worse (his one sleazy cheating friend who I hate came to the funeral - I was cordial of course, but when S.O decided to ride to the cemetery in his car, not mine (for the family and close friends internment - why he came at all is a mystery to me), I got pretty upset - didn't say anything, but I was burning inside (am I nuts, or would this bother you?) Divorcee ex-girlfriend who I recently heard he sees on a regular basis at the gym came to funeral, although she has not really had any ongoing contact with him or his parents for 25+ years (except these workouts I didn't know about) - and he failed to introduce me (again - am I nuts, or would this bother you?))

Long story short -

I was involved in visitation (in the lineup) and funeral (read a verse) - ok fine - but don't understand why my S.O didn't need me during this time. I know it is petty to be thinking of myself when his mom just died, but I feel there is a strong message being sent to me by him regarding my status, even if unintentional on his part. We discussed last night (I am home - he is still with his dad) and he insists I am overreacting.

I guess maybe I will go talk to a counsellor, because it is not fair to talk to him about our relationship when he is getting over his mom's death.

Any comments?

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Hi Jane:

Sorry to hear about your tough situation. We wrote an article a while back that deals with the death of an in-law with some suggestions on things you can do. Here's the link: Click here. I realize that this article doesn't address some of the specifics of your situation, but I hope it helps.
it seems like he is having trouble feeling close to you knowing you didnt like his mom he needs to feel like you understand his grief it doesent seem like you do i do understand how you feel about the ex girlfriend it sounds like theres some secrecy going on there you dont want to press it right now it could actually provide him with an excuse to run to her let him grieve the way he wants and be supportive if he is hiding something from you it will all come out in the wash and dont lose sight of the fact that he chose you to be with you let him know you love him and youre feelings are hurt good luck i hope things get better and sorry his mom died
I think you asked for our comments and ill give you one
i think you have not been close enough to your husband and you allowed your problem with his mom to effect your relationship with him .. allow me to say that you allowed him to shut you off his life and to feel like his friend is his family .. i think you should think more weither your behaviours have been acceptable or not ...
if the answer was yes ...... you go and blame him
if the answer was no ... you gave his mother exactly what she worked for these years and bravooo she won ......!!! get your man back and dont allow any body to take your decisions for you ,.... think twice .... good luck (you need it)
Dear, Sweetie

Stop feeling sorry for your self what you are doing pushing him far away for you. Right now is not about you it about his Mom who has past away he is hurting right now. It not that he don't want you around but it sound like you need to be friendly to each other. I went though the same thing with my Mother and Law she just did not like. God bless her soul she past away now, but the only thing that I did was stop being a problem when he call me I was always so sweet and nice to him. He need someone nice and sweet right now, The same thing you did to get him it the same thing you have to do to kept him.When he call just said baby I love you and miss you.or you can lose him forever. Be there done that!!!God Bless You,


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