It's our 26th Wedding Anniversary, we have 2 teenage boys at home & we're flat broke! So as you can imagine my surprise when earlier this week my DH suggests we Role Play for our anniversary. He suggests we try the "strangers in a bar" bit. He seems so excited, me not so much!
A little back story...My DH just turned 50 last year, he's a very young 50 (I often compare him to Peter Pan with never wanting to grow up!) It's great for our boys, he can keep up with their energy demands way better than I ever could! As for me, I have Fibromyalgia, had it my whole life but it got 10 times worse after each child was born. My DH started working from home when our eldest was a year old & continued doing so up until about a month ago when he got a regular job again where he's gone Mon.-Fri. 7-4pm. We also homeschool our boys so they are always home too. Our eldest has a behavioral disorder which makes him very hard to handle most days (one reason we homeschool!).
With the added stress that being a homeschool parent causes, the brain fog & fatigue along with the daily pain I endure, well, let's say my libido is almost non-existent! Add to that the fact that ever since we have had kids we constantly live on the edge financially since I can't work so their is no money for me to see a Dr. about my issues. I mean, it's not worthy of the ER so it ain't happening!
I've gained about 85 lbs. since we got married. I not only feel fat, I look fat! And not the Queen Latifah or Brook Elliott (Drop Dead Diva) fat either, those women look good with some weight on, more like Kirstie Alley or Shallow Hal's Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit FAT! Double chin, ugly fat! I HATE the way I look! I want to cry every time I look in a mirror but it hurts so bad to exercise with Fibro & not to mention that I can't do anything else but exercise because I'm exhausted afterwards! I can't even do household chores like cooking, dishes or laundry when I exercise! I'm that wiped out!
He would love it if we had sex every other day & twice on Sundays (I did mention he acts like Peter Pan, forever youthful!) but he tolerates once or twice a week (which is all I can manage). I hit menopause this year & would prefer it only be once a month. Even that may be too often for me too, not sure as that hasn't been the case since our last son was born almost 13 yrs. ago.
I don't want anyone to think that he isn't working hard in the bedroom, because he does! He makes sure I climax EVERY time, whether I feel like it or not! He's a trooper! He'll do whatever it takes to make sure I'm satisfied and I have never faked it, not once! I just couldn't care less if I ever did! It seems to bother him a lot more than it bothers me. I would be happy for a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" once in awhile myself. It's just so much work when I'm already exhausted & stressed out from my day!
I haven't flirted with anyone in almost 27 yrs.! I can't even begin to imagine what I would do in a bar if anyone, including him, approached me in a flirty way. I can't imagine anyone wanting to flirt with me either! I so don't feel sexy, At All, EVER! I want to want to but I just can't muster it! I know he has to be frustrated, why else would he suggest this Role Playing idea?? I fear what might happen if I don't do this tonight.
I don't want to, once again, disappoint him but I've been near tears all day & he'll be home from work soon!
I am sorry that you are having several emotional and physical issues in your marriage. However, you are to be commended for wanting to make your relationship work and thrive.
Perhaps he is simply screaming for some "spice" in your marriage and he used this platform at the time.
Some easy, basic question might help to determine what he is "really" looking for in your marriage.
Ask him, "honey, what 3 - 4 ways can I show you how much I appreciate you as my husband over this next week?" Certainly he will mention something sexual, and he may also mention some which are non-sexual.
Be sure you compliment him on the items you mentioned that he does in the bedroom. What are 5 qualities you absolutely love about him? Make a special note - not real frilly since he's a guy - and give them to him one at a time. Place them in his lunch box or brief case or tool box which he opens every day. Give him one per day for two days and then wait a couple of days and give him the next one and then the next one. Keep him guessing!
You expressed many good points with some hitches as well. My insights won't help your past anniversary, but it can help your marriage. become the Best It Can Become!
Let me know how it works and how I can help you craft the most wonderful relationship possible for you two!
I see how your husband's wish can be a big step for you and I think a compromise would be the appropriate solution for you guys. Instead of flirting in a bar, you could try flirting in an environment you feel safer, like at home. I would suggest creating a romantic/sexy evening, putting on a nice dress and just having a glass of wine over some nice music.
He might be very surprised with that and that would make you feel less worried about you disappointing him.
It is clear to me that momentarily you have different needs, desires and don't share the same level of liveliness.Trying to meet somewhere in between would be a sensible strategy. At the age of 50 he is still a young men and he is clearly gifted with a young heart. :)
Also I would suggest trying to address your health issues, that might give you a boost of energy. I wish you all the best, Liz.