I've been in a relationship with a wonderful, christian man for almost 10 years (minus 6 months). He is just about all I could wish for and is the best friend I've ever had! We were both married before (me 27 years, him 12 years). His ex-wife caused us many issues during our relationship, actually she is the ONLY issue we have ever had. We got along fantastic except when she starts calling with her demands and him, being the non-confrontational person he is, would normally give in. She always gets her way; guess narcissist is the word that comes to mind.
4 years ago, I ended the relationship even though I absolutely adore him and his kids, because I couldn't take the stress any longer that his ex brought to my life. I had a constant pain in my stomach waiting for her "next move," so to speak. My partner hates confrontation and this is with anyone, not just her. He avoids it at all costs; this is how his family is too. I felt if we were to marry, she would always be in our lives a great deal due to the kids, so I decided to end it. We remained friends but after 2 weeks and a death in his family, he and her got back together. This crushed me as I had been assured for 5 years that he did not love her anymore and would never go back. When I asked him why he went back, he said it happened due to his state of mind with our relationship ending, the death of a close family member, and him being very lonely.
After 4 months with her, he and her decided to end it, both realizing that they had made a huge mistake and the old feelings could not be rekindled. They were both miserable. He knew I was having a very difficult time with his decision to go back even though we were not together, mainly because I felt the 5 years had been a lie regarding his feelings for me. He assured me over and over that was not the case and he did love me but when I ended it, and the death happened, he was lonely and thought he and her could give it a shot again mainly for the kids.
He contacted me and told me what happened and that they were ending it. He told me that he had never stopped loving me and was an idiot for going back and it was pretty much a rebound thing. He said he would change how he dealt with her and would try harder to keep her out of our lives if I would give him another chance. If this had been any other man, I would NOT have done it. But I know him and he is such a wonderful person, a man of integrity, and tries so hard to do the right things in life. After much thought, I said we could "try" it. I told him I would not see him until he was actually moved out and gone.
We got back together and now 2 1/2 years later, are doing really well together except for one problem. The problem is this: since we got back together, his ex has been telling his daughter (age13) and son (17) that I broke them up and that I am a stalker and basically a horrible person. NONE of this is true! I never even communicated with him when they were together. The decision to end it was BOTH of theirs and she acknowledged this to HIM before learning he and I were going to get back together. The odd thing is, before when we were together, even though she caused he and I issues, she never knew how much it upset me as I was always very kind to her, took care of the children when she went away with boyfriends on trips, basically did everything I could to maintain a good relationship with her. She never seemed to have an issue with me then, but now....I'm the devil in her eye because he came back to me.
I'm heartbroken. I love his children and have been in their lives since the girl was 5 and the boy was 9. We had a very good relationship and always did things together, went on trips, etc...now, the girl doesn't speak to me because of the lies her mother has told her.The only time I spend with them is at church and lunch afterwards and it's mainly silence from her end.
Can you please give me some advice? I keep hoping over time she will SEE that I'm the same me I was before and I am not this person her mother has made me out to be. But I'm losing hope.
Thanks to all who reply.
Oh, I'm so sorry you and your husband have been through so many ups and downs. It's definitely hard to deal with past relationships in a marriage, and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. :( As far as advice goes, have you and your husband ever considered meeting with a counselor? I think they could help you both know how to lay down some boundaries with his ex-wife and learn how to deal with her comments and actions. I know that can be costly, but often worth it. Also, as far as some of the problems with her dealings with your step-children, you might want to look into the book, The Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal. I work at Focus on the Family and I've heard a lot of great things about that title. And, I believe it covers some of the issues spouses can face in dealing with an ex. So, just a thought! Well, I hope things start going more smoothly for your family. I'm praying for you!