Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

I met my husband just after he and his ex-wife seperated. they were married 11 yrs and had 3 children. The oldest of 12 was adopted by my husband and the other two (10 and 4) are his biological children. Not long after we moved in to gether i over heard a conversation where he was telling the ex how he missed her and wanted to come home. Now there were NO problems with us it, was him missing his children and wanting to be with them all. I asked him to go back home and be with his family and try to be happy. He refused to leave and told me he loved dearly and couldnt truely be without me. Well of course that put my wall up and eventually thing got better... BUT in may of 2008 I was told by his ex that since he was working at a job in their town he had been coming over and sleeping with her. i immediately told him to leave. We were only dating and I didn;t want him anymore because that was the ultimate betrayal he could have ever done to me. Well he cried and boohooed and talked to the preacher and our wonderfull neighbors and during all this time refussed to leave again. I told him it was over and he swore to me he would never do that again. He told me i was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was a fool and couldn't live with out me in his life. He really put a dagger in my heart this time. We eventually staid together but ever since that happened our relationship hasn't been the same. I really have hard feeling toward him and just can't seem to overcome them. In september we got married! I do love him and he does take care of me and my daughter. We bought a house and right after that his ex desided to take off the Virginia with out telling him. Well we did find out and within 4 days had emergency custody of his two biological kids. So within two weeks we bought a home, got married, and aquiired to more children full time. Talk about stress! The children have never been tought any respect, how to take good care of their things or even how to clean up after themselves. That was left up to me to do. So now we have this small 3 br 1 ba home with 3 kids and 2 adults. Kaos Kaos Kaos!!! Well because my husband is so lazy at home i did teach them some ethics and stuff. But now the 4 yr old is terrified of me and the 10 yr old stays glued to the TV and my 3 yr old is just as active as can be. my husband can't stand that she wont be still and sit around like his two ( like a lump on a log). My husband works hard everywhere but at home. When he isnt working he half ass does anything i ask him to do and sometimes just wont even do it at all. My 18 year old was living with his dad and has had problems there and now is here with me. my husband hates him because he cant control him. its to the point where im ready to tell him to leave if he cant deal with it. He's already run my son off once and im not letting him do it agian. I just can't do it all and I really don't know what to do. Is there anybody out there that can help me with this?

Views: 53

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I couldn't have said it better myself so theres no need to. Sometimes our hearts want things that we don't need, believe me been there done that. Make peace with yourself that you can and will do better.
So you got exactly what you wanted, what is your problem? You knew he was a weakling and acheater, that he had these kids you didn't care for, and that he didn't like your baggage, either. You wrestled him into semi-submission, got married and now he ... is still a weakling, still saddled with kids you don't care for and still doesn't like your baggage, either. Hmmm... I can see if he changed drastically, but he's exactly the same! Why are you upset because he is the same man you married? You knew he was going to plop his kids on whoever he was with, you wanted to be married to him, so what did you think would happen? If you didn't expect his support for your children, maybe you couls tell him that you have no interest in his, but as it stands, you are pretty even. If you wanted a less complicated situation, you shouldn't have had kids with the wrong men and you shouldn't have married someone else who made a mess of his own reproduction/ adoption, whatever. If you have children, I think you have to accept that he does, too. You don't have to like them, but if your husband is willing to put up with yours, who annoy him, you can't really say anything about his.
what kind of advice are you looking for? do you want to stay with this guy or do you want to kick him out?

If you want to change him, you're only in for heartbreak. He's the only one who can change himself.

If you want him to leave, then ask him to leave. Change the locks and serve him papers.

Oh, and send those kids back to their mom. They sound like they're miserable (and the tv distracts the 10 y.o. from his pain). Even if the mom moved, it's not the end of the world. That's for him to sort out with her about visitation and the rest.

Be a little bit selfish: Think about yourself and your kids first. Young men have enough traps that they can fall into. Your son needs a safe haven that he can come to no matter what. Don't let anyone deny him that. And do you really want your active 3 y.o. to end up glued to the tv too?

If you agree to keep working on things, then counselling is definitely in both your futures. If he isn't willing to go, then that's a clear sign. You stand the best chance of success if you state up front your non-negotiable ground rules.
1. Your son must have access to your home.
2. His kids must go back to their mom. And it is his responsibility to organize their visits - for holidays. And that they will be welcome in your home.
3. Being faithful includes not sleeping with the ex-wife.
4. He's got to pitch in with house-work and/or helping with the kids.

Then you have to have a talk with your son about the fact that you want companionship; that you will always be there for him; and how you expect him to act around your new partner. You have to make it up to your son and earn his trust and respect. I cringe to think how he must be feeling about how his own mother took the other side over him. Spend some more time with him (alone or with your 3.y.o - that's how it was before you met your now-husband.)

And also, make a plan as to what you're going to do, if your husband refuses to work with you on this. Be prepared to move out and get on with your life. Even if you have to separate til he comes to his senses. Be prepared.

PS- If you're taking your 3.y.o. to the playground then take the 4.y.o.and 10 y.o. as well. Try to smile more and rephrase what you say so it's more pleasant, funny. Treat the 4 y.o. like you treat your own kids. And maybe buy a book/get a library card for the 10 y.o. So much TV isn't good for anyone.

Wish you all the best
friend i know how you feel .its easy said than done ,u will always get different opinions from evrybody and like i said its not easy and you got so many people that wants to give advice but do they take there on advice . sister to sister i feel you i'm in the same boat but i have one step-son who doesnt live with us cause the mother took him out of state just to get back at him cause she knew how he feeled about his son i've been listening to him for the last three years and we been married 6 months and he works hard and stay gone alot to claim hes working on a car or he got to go to his daddy's house to help with a car . or friend the same and he never helps around the house anymore when he does he half way does it or say he is going to do it and dont do it until i ask him then he has an altittude but he say he doesnt . i just learn not to depend on him anymore for anything .i listen to him and i dont but i dont worry anymore about what he is doing i just put in my heart if i dont love myself who will so i'm in to reading different books . if he comes home i just act like everything is okay ,i take his money go shoppping whatever this is to keep me from losing me and my self-esteem .yes i have throught about cheating but it's not worth it cause what goes around comes around know what i mean .but to top it all off do what makes you happy .cause a man going to always be a man and he will wonder why you so happy .but you need some me time .to think things out to do what you want to do .cant know one live your live for you or make it i dont care how much advice anyone give . to top it all off he got one more DUI to get then he is gone to prison .he act like he does nt care sometimes .but once he makes his bed hard i'm moving on and getting my divorce .i'm not waiting .but for the mean time i 'll be the good lil wife ...............there is someone out there will always treat you better but dont lose you .

RSS






Hitched Podcast

Episode 458: Choosing a Different Response In Your Marriage Story

When you know who you are and what your story is, you can shape how you respond to your spouse and the world. Dr. Noelle Nelson explains tips on how to make this happen.

© 2017   Created by hitched.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service